Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Proof of God

So, I run out to grab some drinks for the long day ahead of me. On my return, I am about to enter the building via the revolving doors and some dick with a big pizza box jumps in front of me and enters the spinning doors.

I start to enter in the next opening when the doors suddenly jerk to a stop. The knucklehead was in such a rush to jump into the doors that he didn't pay attention to the pizza box fitting and it got stuck in the door. So, there he is, jammed in there, and he's trying to back out and the door won't move backwards. So, he starts moving forward, slowly, and the pizza box is twisting and tilting towards him. And opening. So he stops.

And tries backing up again. And he calls to the doormen, asking them to unlock the reverse so he can back out.

And they clearly want to see how this plays out and act busy.

So he moves forward. Slowly. He tries to turn his body in an effort to lift the box upwards.

Instead he spills hot pizza, with meatballs or sausage, all over himself.

As the gooey cheese and sauce starts oozing all over his chest, down to his pants and legs, he realizes how hot the shit is and starts hopping around.

He's bouncing around his little glass cage and some jackass who clearly didn't see what was going on, enters the door, pushing it further. The guy in the pizza booth drops what's left of the pizza, creating a fucking mess all over his feet and the floor.

Pizza sauce is, apparently, very slippery when it is on marble.

He falls. The doormen, realizing that they now have a scene on their hands, head over to help but there's no backing out now so they wait for the guy to get up and they slowly slide the door open enough to open and swing the door forward, giving the moron enough room to exit.

They take the box and pick up the pizza.

Then they close the thing up and let idiot number two through.

As he's leaving the door, he makes a comment about how stupid the first guy is.

Then he slips. He lands on his ass. In the cheese and sauce.

When the two morons were gone, into the elevators and, presumably, up to the bathrooms to clean their shit up, I asked the doormen why they didn't open the door sooner, knowing that the mess was inevitable. They said "we don't clean up the mess, that's someone else's job."

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