Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Floogin Tests Sex Toys

Thanks to the comments in an earlier entry, this next bit of sickness was born.

A glowing finger sex toy - hmmm, I sense an invention. Testing it should be fun.

Ever wonder about the test marketing of sex toys? There's a group of people who subject themselves to the rigors of testing sex toys. Given that there are only so many things a sex toy can do, the need to test must mean the new toy must do some freaky shit.

Ok, so, you're going to take this toy into that room and use it and we want you to try and remember how it felt, how it was using it, was it user friendly (imagine a sex toy that isn't) etc. There's a pad and pen in there so you can jot down notes.

Ok, the basics - it goes in and out - duh but this button here, this makes it twirl and this knob makes it vibrate. The two combined make it vibrate and twirl. This switch here makes it throb, this one makes it sing. This one shoots fireworks up onto the ceiling. Laser show here, this one puts money into your account, this one slaps your ass and calls you names, this one pulls your hair, this here button, this one bites your neck and this one wants you to dress up in schoolgirl clothes and this one makes it go limp and this one needs to be pissed on to work and this one wants to call you mommy and this one will work once and never let you use it again. This one steals money from you, this one will give you the orgasm of your life and then do the same for your sister and all your friends. This one will get you off and then never leave you. This one says it loves you, this one says it hates you. This one will ask you to bring another sex toy into the bedroom and this one, oh, this one is still not working so great so we are suggesting you don't use it but this one will make you feel like shit and then shower you in gifts after it had too much to drink and hit you a few times.


Someone You Don't Know said...

There are some things in there that i love, some i don't, some i have experienced with men, some i haven't.

How much would this thing cost by the way?

Floogin McNoogin said...

we're still in the design stage. anywhere from $29.99 to a life of grief and regret, depending on the model.

foxy roxy said...

no fair.

i already have a patent on one called the challenger. it can take me to the moon and back, make my bed, do my laundry, fix me dinner, wash my car, teach me to play guitar, slaps my ass and gets me off in less than five minutes.

and mine costs $19.99. beat that?

Floogin McNoogin said...

ahhh, but does it hold you when you just want to be held?

foxy roxy said...

is there one in existence that can?

Floogin McNoogin said...

I'd respond to that with something witty, wise and sexy but I'm still pondering the bit about you liking a bit of spanking.

foxy roxy said...

i actually dismantled the spanking option myself (a little too distracting).

other than draining batteries like a bastard, it works like a charm.

just have to shop at costco once a month to keep the stock fresh.

Floogin McNoogin said...

ok, I'll see if I can add a rechargeable battery to it or, possibly, a better energy source.

any other suggestions?

foxy roxy said...

i'm going to be deliberately obtuse here.

with the exception of adding wings to the thing, i'm intrigued as to the male psyche on the perfect vibrator or what-not.

Floogin McNoogin said...

wings? so it can fly? like the wings on a maxipad? I never knew what they were for. No, I don't want to know now.

The male take on vibes. Hmm, I've got a little experience here. I dated a girl who wanted one, so I bought her one. She let me use it on her. It was fun. I enjoyed it, it was different, it was exciiting, it was strange doing things and watching without major participation. Quite a thrill. More so since, after some time with the toy, she always pushed it away and chose me instead. I've heard tales of men who get a toy to spice up the bedroom and help get the wife off, only to be pushed aside as the toy never seems to fail in getting the woman off.

I got lucky, she seemed to think I was better than the toy.

Rest assured, I am neither porn cock strapped, nor am I some kind of magician in bed. I am merely aware of the difficulties in getting a woman off coupled with the ease in which a man can get off and, as such, I do like to provide pleasure first to ensure we're all smiling as we drift off to sleep.

foxy roxy said...

well, it doesn't sound like you have to design or market any sex toys.

but there's probsbly a couple women on here who'd ask you to volunteer services.

i won't name names.

Floogin McNoogin said...

a couple? is one named Scott?

Floogin McNoogin said...

holy crap, look at all those heels for women ads!!

click em ladies, click em.

foxy roxy said...

are you referencing someone called scott?

maybe. but you don't really want me to answer, do you?

Anonymous said...

I've got a marketing idea far better than any toy, and shall make a fair bit of income as well. Still pleasure related though.
Nope..not sharing.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah..nice ads..
A porn site filter..
and a Christian site filter.
Nice combination there. lol...

Floogin McNoogin said...

the duality of man.

I don't control the ads but the big question on everyone's mind is, which did you click?