Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Breaking Point Tested

October 17th is the last day to file 2010 personal tax returns and, as usual, I've been swamped. Since labor day, I've been at the office every day, working until 10PM or later. I'm at my desk by 7 am on weekends and holidays and, during the week, I am doing morning duty with the kids, getting them up, dressed, fed and off to school. It's a hectic month and a half. The last 5 days have been an endurance and psychological test of epic proportions.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Thank You Verizon Wireless....Again

My daughter started taking the bus this year so I had to get her a cell phone. I added her to my plan and, when they asked me if I wanted insurance for her phone, I said no. Since she was only going to use it one day a week and I wanted her to understand the responsibility of taking care of her own things. The customer rep who was handling the transaction even commented on how that was a good way to teach her to care for her phone.

This was in February of this year.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

My 6 Year Old Gets It, Why Can't Washington DC?

I came home last night just as the morons in D.C. were getting set to vote on increasing the debt ceiling.  Even though I knew it was a done deal, I figured I'd put the news on and see how it was going.  My six year old sat down next to me and asked me what I was watching.

The ensuing conversation provided verification that my son is brilliant and the politicians in DC are fucking morons.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Return of The Red Menace

This was the first weekend in which my wife and I agreed to avoid the toxic dump of my family, opting instead, for the beach club and our friends.  I was looking forward to the weekend.  The weather report was calling for high 80's, tons of sun and great beach weather.  What the weathermen didn't know was that there was a storm brewing.  A storm disguised as your worst clown nightmare whilst tripping on bad acid.
That's right, my mother in law returned form the fiery depths of hell Florida to wreak havoc on my family.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Todays Lesson - Pedophiles.

Today was my son's grade wide park day.  The school does this in the spring, for each grade, so the families can have one day of fun and games in Central Park. Each class in the grade decorates "team" tee shirts and they play all kinds of games, all under the hot sun. 

I wound up joining them as a chaperon and met a few parents, sweating my ass off and got a frightening lesson in pedophiles and the things people will do to provide the images these suck fucks seem to love.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My Son Snubs Jeter and Reggie Jackson Steals a Pen

So I'm walking home from work and I pass by a watch store that sells very expensive, high end watches. There's a red carpet out front, photographers and a small crowd. I slow down as I pass by and peek into the window and I see a NY Yankee's uniform on a mannequin, with the number 44 on the back.

Now, every New Yorker knows that 44 was Reggie Jackson so now I'm really curious as to what's going on.

Turns out Frank Meuller is selling a Reggie Jackson line of watches and this was the launch party.

I race home and tell my son that Mr. October himself is around the corner and, if he wants, we can try and get a baseball signed by him.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Sleep Tight Children, The Bogey Man is No More. For Now

So they killed Bin Laden.  Big deal.  Truth is, most people have figured the man to be dead for years.  Or no longer a threat of any kind.  This doesn't include those that never really thought the man was dangerous to begin with.

Let's assume, for the sake of this entry, that he was killed some time in the last week or two.  Do we really need the media coverage to play this up like we just took Hitler out?  I don't know what the news looks like anywhere but here in NYC and, to be honest, it's been disgusting.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


They say that cockroaches can survive in almost any environment.  When I was a kid, I remember hearing how, after a nuclear holocaust, there will be nothing left on earth, other than cockroaches.  The nasty little fuckers will rule the planet.

So, aside from a crunchy squish, one would imagine that, offing a roach would be a difficult task.

Unless you're the guy in the office next to mine.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

What's the point?

I work 15 to 20 hour days, 7 days a week, for months.  Why?
After sitting here, my ass slowly fusing to the chair under me, for weeks on end, I decided it was time to figure out what I'm going to owe on Monady.

Big fucking mistake.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Rest In Peace

It is with great sadness that I type these words out.  Today, April 12, 2011, Floogin McNoogin passed away after a long fight with an ever increasing pile of shit on his desk.  He worked 15 to 20 hours a day, 7 days a week, since February, only to come to the sad realization that there was no fucking point.  Nobody was grateful.  There was no medal to be had, no slap on the back, not even a hair toussling "good job."

So, he did the only thing he knew to rid himself of the never ending work.

He's threw every last fucking piece of paper from his window and then, after the pile was relocated, he doused himself in alcohol, and ignited his whithered frame before leaping out the window, onto the pile.

Fortunately, it was raining and the water and wind combination snuffed the flames and the soggy pile of paperwork cushioned his fall, allowing him to escape from a 20 floor tumble, physically unharmed.

Sadly, as he staggered from the pile, smiling with the knowledge that, perhaps, there is a god and that there are good things in store for him, he was run over by a city bus and, thanks to the well moving flow of traffic, several other cars managed to crush his corpse before it was discoverd that he was smeared all across 34th street.

Floogin was a good man.  A great father and a decent, at best, husband.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Random Winning! and Losing!

If Charlie Sheen can spew forth a litany of incoherent, unconnected thoughts and concepts, so can I.

First, on the topic of Charlie, do we really need to boost his ego, further fueling his downward spiral, by watching as he rapidly unravels, turning himself from handsome pinup boy to Nick Nolte's crazier brother?

It was fun to watch for a minute but, like gore porn, there comes a time where you realize you have now moved beyond the norm and have entered dangerous territory.

Turn off your internet Charlie.  That's how you win.

Monday, February 28, 2011

I'm Definitely Old

As my birthday approaches, I'm noticing how fucking old I feel of late.  The thumb has, finally, stopped aching whenever it rains and it no longer feels sore but, thankfully, I've got a slew of other odd aches and pains to offset the relief of not being achy in the thumb.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Doodie Doodie Doodie

We've all seen Caddyshack.  If you haven't, you shouldn't be reading this.  Go, watch the fucking movie, get a sense of humor and then you can return.  Anyway, the scene at the pool, when it's open to the caddie's is, by far, one of the funniest ever put on celluloid.  Sure enough, we had our poop in the pool moment at the water park.

Friday, February 25, 2011

It's been a long time

I know I haven't been coming here and adding my dazzling wit with any frequency.  Fuck frequency, I haven't been coming around and I actually miss it.  I'm not sure if it's the fan mail I get, or all the comments and responses or the accolades from other bloggers but I miss it all.

So, I'm going to make a concerted effort to return and update nobody with my life.  A lot has gone on, some of it kinda funny so, if I can find the time I shall regale you with the grossest vacation I've ever taken.

Two days in water park hell. 

Yes, we had a shit incident.

No, it wasn't mine.

More to come, I promise so, please, stop sending all that mail and posting all those messages.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Thoughts That Came To Me On Vacation

Rather than go into excurciating detail about my trip to my mother outlaw's, I have decided to focus on a few random things that came to me while I was away.  It's far better this way, believe me