Saturday, February 26, 2011

Doodie Doodie Doodie

We've all seen Caddyshack.  If you haven't, you shouldn't be reading this.  Go, watch the fucking movie, get a sense of humor and then you can return.  Anyway, the scene at the pool, when it's open to the caddie's is, by far, one of the funniest ever put on celluloid.  Sure enough, we had our poop in the pool moment at the water park.

Let me back up a bit.  We went to this place in Pennsylvania that is, essentially, a disney style water park.  The lodge is designed like it was airlifted from the house of mouse and dropped in the middle of the Poconos.  There are kids running every which way, playing some nerdy elementary school version of dungeons and dragons or some such shit.  They have these wands and they point them at shit around the hotel and the shit they point it at lights up, says shit, moves etc.  It's a strange game that, of course, my son had to play but, fortunately, he cares not about the rules, so he just ran around point the stick at things, wondering why he never got to see the dragon.

I didn't have any answers for him because, to be honest, I didn't bother reading the 40 page booklet the fucking wand came with.

Anyway, behind the lodge is a giant water park.  An enclosed water park.  That's right kids, indoors so you can get your water slide fix in the middle of a blizzard, which, oddly enough, is exactly what we did.

There are three different areas with slides, ranging from toddler slides to big, mean, nasty, strobe light flashing, slam into the wall slides for the bigger kids.  There's also a wave pool and a couple of other lighter pool areas so that everyone can marinate in the same filthy fucking stew.

Sure, they've got the whole skeeve thing under control.  When you drive up to Hershey, PA, you can smell the chocolate about 5 miles away.  When you drive up to Great Wolf Lodge, the chlorine burns your eyes before you pull into the parking lot.  But, still, the water is being recycled over and over again and, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that the 4 star dump I took that morning, was flushed into the same system.

You stand on lines, climbing steps to reach the higher slides, all the while, being dripped on from the folks on the stairs above you.  There's really nothing nastier than realizing that the water that just dripped on your melon was a droplet that ran down a fat man's back, between his ass cheeks, down his scrote, before lazily floating down to you.  And when I say fat, I mean fat.  There were two women there, in bikinis of course, who easily tipped the scales at 350.  God bless em and their self image but damn that's nasty.

So, while my wife and I are doing our best to not reveal how grossed out we are by the concept of this giant bath tub with the fatties of the northeast, the kids are having a blast.  My son heads right for the baby slides because, well, to be honest, he's a bit of a pussy.  No sooner does he get down the slide, lying in the 5 inches of piss warm water (it's all at body temp, primarily because it's warmed by bodily fluids), then the area is closed.

AFR alert.

Now, we don't know, exactly, what AFR stands for but we know what it means.


A Fecal Removal?
A Fecal Retrieval?
Who knows?  Who Cares?

It's disgusting.  That much we know.

Now, when someone shits in the pool at my beach club, the fucker is drained.  It's the law and, if you remember from the aforementioned caddyshack, it's a rule at Bushwood too. 

Not here. 

Nope.  That would mean shutting the park, refunding everyone's money and dealing with a few thousand irate people.

So, what, exactly, happens when they have a turd alert?

Apparently, they shut the area, even though all the water is running through the same system.  They make everyone get out of that pool area, some poor bastard retrieves the shit and the all clear is sounded.

I was, fortunately, oblivious to this happening as I was riding the bigger slides with my daughter but, according to my wife, the entire process took less than ten minutes.

Less than ten minutes to remove a piece of shit that could, probably would, result in a dozen cases of coxsackie virus over the next 24 hours.

It takes me more than ten minutes to properly wipe my ass after a dump and nobody, sadly, is swimming in my ass.

This was a once in a lifetime trip.  As in, I did it once and won't do it again, in this lifetime.

Sure, it was fun watching the kids and, once my son got over his fear of everything, it was great riding the slides with him but, still, I'd rather not bath with this many strangers again.  It took two days to get the chlorine smell out of my nose, the burn out of my eyes and I won't even discuss the funky rash my son and I developed on the second day.

But I do have pics, in case you're interested.

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