Monday, October 05, 2009

The Tooth Fairy Cometh

My daughter doesn't believe in the usual childhood myths and legends. When she was three she told her niece, who was 7 at the time, that Santa Claus probably wasn't real because he can't go down chimneys in the city and the only way to get gifts in would be thru a window or by the front door and the doormen in her building don't let anyone in without buzzing up first.

To say she's wise is an understatement.

So, when she lost her first tooth a year or so ago, she put it under her pillow but made jokes about how much the daddy tooth fairy was going to give her.

We tried to convince her otherwise, to no avail. I told her the tooth fairy was small, green and had wings. I told her that, sometimes, if you look carefully, you can see little green footprints where the tooth fairy walked around your face, inspecting the lost tooth. She wasn't buying any of it.

The last tooth she lost, she again put under her pillow, with a note that, she said at the time, was for the tooth fairy only.

So, when I crept into her room, slipped my hand under the pillow and removed the tooth and the note, I got a hell of a surprise.

It was addressed to me.

Yesterday, she lost her upper front tooth. Apparently, losing these front teeth is a big deal to the 2nd graders in her class and my daughter was ecstatic. She called me to tell me. When I saw her she was beaming with pride over her hockey player's mouth. Her other upper front chomper is loose as hell and it seems to have shifted now that the mate has fallen out. She has the appearance of a one toothed goober from the south. It's adorable in a "don't smile honey" kind of way.

She told me that this tooth was worth at least $25 or an ipod touch and she thinks a credit card is probably not out of the question.

I told her to talk to the tooth fairy because she's responsible for these things.

She said "I am talking to the tooth fairy, DAD!"

So, I suggested she wrap the tooth up and get some sleep. Once again, she wrote a note.

Here it is, verbatim:
Dear Tooth Fairy,
I lost my first top tooth, so I want more than 10 bucks and mabey(sic) even a credit card or an I touch.

(drawing of her tooth)

I'm so excited I lost my first top tooth so give me something big!!!

She slipped that note, along with her tooth, into a plastic bag and stuck it under her pillow.

After she fell asleep I cut out a picture of an itouch from one of the Sunday paper inserts. I then took a note card and made a mock credit card for Fairyland Express and paper clipped them both to a $20.

I slipped my hand under her pillow and pulled out the tooth, replacing it with my little package.

Then I took a green marker and left little dots on her cheek, leading up to her nose and all over her nose.

No word yet but, I'm hoping, the footprints will work to convince her that yes, Virginia, there is a Tooth Fairy.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

On Foot Over The Line.

So, I went out to dinner last night with my wife and two other couples. The wives are my wife's college roommates. The husbands are ok, I guess. Both are very successful, one is self made, the other took over his family business and grew the business to a much more successful enterprise. Vastly different people, both of them, with me falling somewhere in the middle.

Anyway, during the course of the meal I feel a foot on my leg and I look up at my wife who's sitting across from me, and she smiles at me.


So not like her.

The foot moves up my leg and before I know it, I'm getting a foot job. Aroused, and enjoying it, I look back at my wife and she's smiling at me while talking to one of her friends.

Realizing that I need to stop the wife before things become explosive, I slip a hand under the table and grab the foot. I start massaging the foot and smiling back at my wife who now looks at me like I'm mildly retarded.

I look down at the foot.

Not my wife's.

I look casually back at my wife and I notice, out of the corner of my eye, that her friend seems to be enjoying something other than the conversation.

What the fuck?

Does she know she's parked on the wrong cock?

I casually move her foot down, away from my frank and beans and it comes back.
So I move it again.
Again, it comes back.

Fortunately, at this point, the Eiffel Tower is more like the leaning tower of Pisa, and I slide my seat back a bit, making it impossible for the girl to reach me.

I gulp down the stoli orange on the rocks, readjust the little guy and head to the bathroom to regroup.

Was it a mistake? Does this woman know she was foot jerking me and not her husband? Do I tell my wife that her best friend of 20+ years was toeing the line, as it were?

I stayed back from the table for the rest of the meal, leaning forward to eat, making for a most uncomfortable meal but the alternative was an entirely different kind of uncomfortable.

On the walk home, my wife asked my why I was so weird during dinner. I told her I was tired, that I wasn't up for the night out and, in the future, let's not do these kinds of dinners when I'm so tired and overworked.

Apparently, we're seeing this couple again in three weeks. I doubt if I'll tell my wife. Maybe it was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe she did think I was her husband. I hope so.

I'm wearing a cup next time, just in case.