What's the point?

I work 15 to 20 hour days, 7 days a week, for months.  Why?
After sitting here, my ass slowly fusing to the chair under me, for weeks on end, I decided it was time to figure out what I'm going to owe on Monady.

Big fucking mistake.


I owe more than some people make in a year.  I can buy cars with the amount of money I owe.  Of course, I don't have it so, as I sit here, 10 PM on whatever fucking day it is, pondering the many ways I can come up with all this cash in such a short time, I'm wondering, "why I even bother."

Clearly, it isn't for the money.  I'm a week away from embarking on a trip that will cost more than I apparently have and, to make matters worse, the rest and relaxation needed will not come thanks to the trip being taken with my kids. 

Don't get me wrong.   I'm dying to spend a week with them, having gone for so long without seeing them awake for more than a few minutes but, still, they are going to want as much of my time as possible and there's no way I'll deprive them of that.

So, I will continue to not rest and I will run around with them, entertaining them, playing with them, all the while wondering, how the fuck am I going to pay for this?

At 4:42 PM today, whatever day it actually is, I came to the horrific realization that I am far more valuable as a dead man than a walking, talking, working stiff.

Sure, my clients appreciate the work I do and yes, my wife and kids love me.  (well, the kids do, the wife.. who knows).  However, all the love and appreciation in the world won't pay the bills.

I can't send the IRS a note that reads "I have tons of love and appreciation, please take your share."

Believe me, I would.  I'm considering it. 

So, on my long walk home tonight, as the calendar flips over to the next fucking day, I'll wonder how hard it would be to step in front of a moving bus or, perhaps, I'll spend money I don't have on a subway ride and, instead of stepping onto that train, I'll step in front of it.