Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Cold Can Conundrum

I'm going back to the bathroom for a bit.

I've said this before, there's a certain amount of courtesy needed when you share a bathroom with several offices. Things like, don't piss all over the seat, don't leave a big, titanic dump half in, half out of the bowl etc.

Then there's the courtesy flush. Even my 3 year old knows about the courtesy flush. He better since I am always stuck sitting with him when he poops. The smell is comical. He's not a small kid but he's still only 3 and a half. His shit stinks like a rotting corpse's farts. Ok, take a moment and ponder that. Gagging? There you go.

So, my boy knows to hit the handle and alleviate the noxious odors in the room.

Most men know this but our public bathrooms have autoflushers. They work great when you get up. Usually. I still haven't figured out how I can open a stall and be greeted by a leaning tower of poop. The shit itself should set off the auto flusher. Giant turd, bobbing and weaving in the water, the toilet should flush repeatedly, until the dumpire state building slowly slips down beneath the water.

But it doesn't and it is a mystery that needs to be studied. Stonehenge, Atlantis, Roswell, invisible men making massive shits not triggering the auto flusher.

Anyway, the courtesy flush. Since there are no handles and, even if there were, nobody likes touching things in a public bathroom, the courtesy flush often goes by the wayside.

Instead, a gentleman, knowing he's about to create a wmd in a small space, will open a window. This is done all the time and it is greatly appreciated.

So, I'm back to the no carb thing for a spell so I won't worry about shitting for a while and, if I do, there won't be an odor so I am completely free of this issue. But I'm peeing all the time. Well, not all the time. I'm not sitting in soaked pants or anything but I do have to pee and I did pee 20 minutes ago and I will have to pee a bunch more before I head home and what the fuck, where the hell is this going anyway.

Oh, yeah, so I have to pee. Badly. So I race into the bathroom and I open door and I'm greeted by a horrible stench and a blast of arctic air. Someone took a dump, opened the window to air it out and left. So the smell stayed and the 7 degree temperature infiltrated the bathroom.

My fingers were blue from the cold and I could barely move them but I managed to unzip my fly and I reached inside and..what the fuck...where's...my....dick?

So cold the little fucker must've inverted. So, I'm standing there, feeling around like a blind man searching for a nickle in a pile of change....hair....leg....leg....maybe it moved down more, nope, that's ass....what the hell...is that?...Fuck, I have a vagina?

My dick inverted itself, grabbed the balls and headed behind my spleen.

So, there I am, standing at the urinal, my legs spread, my arm, elbow deep in my fly, feeling what amounts to a flat area where my penis should be. Now, it's not a big penis. It isn't tiny but it isn't bragging rights big or anything. It works. Well, it used to. Not so sure anymore.

So, I closed the window and stood by the radiator, both hands in my pants trying to coax the little guy back out when someone walks into the bathroom. He looks at me, shakes his head and says "might be better if you jerked off in the stall."

I've been at my desk for an hour now. I've had a large cup of starbucks nestled between my legs for the same hour. I've been viewing porn. Good porn. Still no sign of my mcnoogin. The ice cold combined with the humiliation of being caught with my hands in my pants has resulted in, I fear, a permanent mangina.

Fortunately, I wasn't using it anyway.


foxy roxy said...

I laughed till I cried.
But i don't rightly know what to do with that.

I'm just grateful my boobs can't hide, as once i lose things, they're pretty much gone.

On the flip side, were you able to coax it back to life, or did you need cpr? Just curious.

Someone You Don't Know said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

There is a little button you can push above the bowl of those autoflushers..and ladies know what a courtesy flush is too btw.

And lastly pmsl......remember what that means?

Funny thanks.

Floogin McNoogin said...

Someone I don't know: Bad porn would be anything from asia that involves worms, eels, shit, puke etc. I suggest you watch two girls, one cup and then get back to me.

Foxy Roxy: I've tried everything. I have tried talking to it, plying it with alcohol and roofies, I dangled some porn in front of it and even offered to find it a woman if it would come out and talk to me. Maybe you can help lure it out.

Laura: I know there's a button but that would have ruined the post and I'm sure women know what a courtesy flush is but, to be honest, I try to convince myself that there are some things in life that just don't happen. Like the murder of innocent children and women smelling up a bathroom with a foul and noxious dump.

foxy roxy said...

I'm good, but I don't know about 3,000 miles away good.

Besides, it sounds like you need the "tootsie pop" treatment, and stat.

Floogin McNoogin said...

the tootsie pop treatment? suck and lick until the little brown blob of shit comes out?

I'm not that kind of guy.

Floogin McNoogin said...

I accidentally rejected that last comment but let me say this.