Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Floogin McNooginsteen Sings Dressing in the Dark

I wake up every morning, seconds before the alarm. I stumble into the bathroom, pee, brush my teeth, put the contacts in, take a shower, and get dressed in the dark. Then I wake my daughter up, get her breakfast, get her ready for school, take her to school and then head to my office where I do, pretty much the same shit all day long. The routine is so mundane and repetitive that I have taken to stumbling over the same things in the bedroom.

It's dark when I wake up, dark while I get dressed. Unlike my wife, I don't turn all the lights on while she sleeps. So, I need to go all jedi and maneouver around in the dark. I'm actually rather good at it. Well, I am when I'm home when the lights are on. Once I am dressed, I am not in my bedroom again until I go to bed, usually after 11. My wife is usually asleep by the time I get home, have some dinner and hit the sack so I am, basically, playing blind in the bedroom at all times.

I don't know where anything is. If the kids leave toys in the room, I'm unaware of them until I step on them or stub my toe on them or trip over them.

Along with the lovely mine field of objects that are tearing my feet to shreds, I have also discovered that I lack the ability to see colors in the dark. Every morning I am forced to use the dim light of my storm to try and decipher the color of my socks. It doesn't help that I am missing the majority of my socks. I have no idea where they might be but it has gotten so bad that I plan on hitting the story today to buy more. It's the only way to ensure that my feet are clad in cloth matching the rest of the outfit.

I'm unsure why but my daughter's broken razr has been sitting in the hallway for 3 days now. The wheel fell off over the weekend. It's broken. Not fixable. Yet, it sits, parked in the hallway, by the elevator. If I lived in one of the other apartments, I'd be fucking furious. It's the equivalent of having a broken down car on the lawn. I'm probably viewed as trailer trash by my neighbors. Maybe I should put a gnome and a flamingo next to the scooter and an inflatable pool to the right of the door. Then I can sit in the hallway, drink my beer, and enjoy some fresh air.

I'm sure the neighbors will love that.

On a side note, my daughter found was told to start taking books from the "m" bin. They are assigned reading levels based on their comprehension and reading skill and she is now the highest level in the class. She was just behind a few of the boys and one other girl but she jumped ahead of them all. she is, apparently, so advanced for her age that her 3rd grade reading buddy was joking with her and said she should come to his class to assist some of the 3rd graders since most of them are not yet "m" level readers. I know, bragging father and all. True but she is my daughter so fuck off. I was reading when I was very young. My parents caught me scaring the shit out of their friend's daughter, who was a bit younger than me. I was 4, or so the story goes, and I was reading Jaws to this little girl. Anyway, my daughter turned 6 this past December. She is the second youngest kid in her class by one day. Most of her friends are 7. So, for her to be reading at this level makes me doubly proud.

I know I have written about the boy quite a bit and she hasn't received the same attention. This is mainly a result of her being a stellar kid. She's cute as hell, she has an incredible sense of humor and she's scary smart. Not in a bookish way. She sees everything, knows what's going on and is extremely aware of her surroundings. I ran into her pre-K teacher from two years ago. She was talking to my son's current pre-k teacher. They teach the same age group so it was nice to have them both there. They started talking about my kids and the current teacher was talking about the boy, how special he is, so smart, so funny and my daughter's old teacher started talking about my daughter, bragging. It was odd but then she said "that girl was born a teenager" and I realized she nailed it. My daughter is like a teenager. In as good a way as possible of course.

Ok, done bragging about my kids and whining about my life.

I'm supposed to turn 40 in two days. I'm either rejecting the new age or I am going to have myself one hell of a mid life crisis.


Someone You Don't Know said...

Feel free to whine and brag. Seems like you have lots to brag about, your kids sound adorable.

I am bored with my own blog, so am relying on you to amuse me in the next few days. Just letting you know.

If you have a mid life crisis, you are going to write about it, i hope.

Laura said...

A teenager at six I hope she is as cute at 14. My life is hell with mine. She isn't scary smart in a book way (she could be if she wanted to be) but knows what is going on and I find that almost scarier. Intuitive since she was little. She is either going to be pregnant soon or kick the balls of any boy who tries anything...and she likes boys...omg does she... I do like her magenta hair though.

And good luck with the crisis, maybe they hit women later but mine hit at 49 and was/is major with no signs of ending.

Good luck mcnoogin you are going to need it.

Floogin McNoogin said...

Bored with your blog? I guess, after getting sagged by ET I might find it a bit mundane to talk about my daily grind too.

I'll do my best to entertain you. The next month or so brings many interesting things. My birthday, the family gathering for my birthday, my increasing workload, my marital woes as a result of the unemployed wife....

yeah, I think my slow mental collapse should provide plenty of viewing pleasure.

grab some popcorn and strap yourself in.

Someone You Don't Know said...

That was a good dream, with some interesting after effects, which i'm far too lady like to post about on here.

Slow mental collapse eh? It feels like i should have sympathy for you, and yet, when you write about it, you make it all sound so damn funny, i find it hard.

Things can only get better. I mean, they could get worse, but best not to think about that eventuality.

Laura said...

Sagged? shagged bu et..sounds interesting. Got a link.

Laura said...

his midlife crisis has to be more interesting than mine. So I say bring it on. Mine has only brought melancholy and the onset of menopause.

Ok there may be an interesting story here and there but I am not as brave as mcnoogin here...

foxy roxy said...

okay, i have to call a time out here.

shagged by ET? oh, that's hilarious. but, as a fan of the movie since i was five, i have to admit, i didn't see ET sporting any goods.

be honest. it was the finger, wasn't it? the giant, glowing finger?

Floogin McNoogin said...

I'll let Someone You Don't Know answer that ET questions. She had the close encounter of the sexy kind. Me? The closest to nailing an alien I've ever come was a girl who was here illegally.

I think it would be bad if I got it on with an alien. Imagine travelling all that way to be disappointed. Worst booty call ever.

Someone You Don't Know said...

Laugh away.

Foxy, it wasn't an alien, it was just a very real, very lucid dream. Mr McNoogin was the one who said it was an alien. He should stop projecting his fantasies onto me.

I said i didn't know what it was, i couldn't see anything, but i could feel it. And it wasn't a finger. Glowing or otherwise.
Definitely was not a finger.

Could have been an alien though.
Stranger things happen at sea. Apparently.