Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Google Lunch

Dammit, I want to come here and talk all about the evil empire, how they sit around laughing at the many ways they screw the little guy but, to be honest, I met with human resources and I'm changing fields.

The place is great. For starters, there are razr scooters all over the place with parking spots for them by the elevators and other more trafficked areas. There are games and other play toys everywhere. The cafeteria is insane. Several stations set up with food to make everyone happy. Enough Zero to keep me burping for decades.

Obviously, everything is high tech. The meeting rooms, conference rooms and offices all look more like play rooms for kids. Air hockey in the cafeteria, nintendo wiis, a ball pit and loads of other distractions. It's amazing they actually get anything accomplished.

The children that work there must love it. I am not exaggerating when I say children. Aside from the guests (visitor passes) and the advertising people, puberty is, apparently, a negative on your resume at google. I'm not kidding. The guy who took us around was in advertising. He's in his 30's. He's a geezer for google. We met his boss' boss. The guy was in his 30's or low 40's. The rest of the place is pimple cream and puberty.

The women? That's the other perk. The women who work there were, for the most part, all very good looking. Sure, there were a few fatties and a few ugly women but you can't have an all hot work force or you'll get slapped with a lawsuit. You can hire the hottest women and they can dress in short skirts, low cut tops and whatever else they want without fear of being hit on because the majority of the work force there is too busy jerking off to lara croft video games to notice the talent pool in the cafeteria. The cafeteria was full from 11:30 until 1:15. Nobody left. Big hang out scene, all these hot women, hanging out, nerdy young boys, eating and talking about some l33t haxor shit or something and not once did a guy talk to a woman.

I'd love it there.

I'm leaving my wife, quitting my job and working there. I'd work in the kitchen. Cleaning up. I'm sure the pay sucks but you probably get google options and you get to be around all those young women and they are definitely not having office romances.

Not a chance.

I did not get to mention my posing a significant risk. Even when I signed in at the 4th floor lobby, under the name Floogin McNoogin, nobody seemed to care. It's such a happy place, nobody has the time to be bothered with some little blogger like me. I probably could have asked for it to be fixed and I probably would have been told "sure, here in google land, we make dreams come true. would you like some gold and some gummy bears?"

yes, there are gummies. bags of them. everywhere. the good kind. haribo or whatever. I didn't take any. I was too weighted down with the scooter, the coke zero, the toys and the case of google phones.

they didn't notice me leaving with this stuff. the guys were too busy not staring at the women and the women were so busy staring at the straight guy who wasn't wearing a lord of the rings shirt that they didn't see what I was carrying.


Laura said...

A bit disappointed you didn't "kick ass" Floogin. Smitten by the man (or boy as the case may be). Does sound like a fun place to work.

Now how about handing out some freebies to your loyal readers.

Anonymous said...


Floogin McNoogin said...

nobody's angry there. I show up and start spewing venom and the whole internet would be in jeopardy. The cute april fools day google prank? replaced by some sinister plot to take over the world.

I can't have that shit on my conscience

Anonymous said...

that's not what i meant.
you got all the good stuff for yourself and no gummy bears for us.

Anonymous said...

"I was too weighted down with the scooter, the coke zero, the toys and the case of google phones."

So this just proves that you can be bought off with FREEBIES such as toys and sodas.
Just like a little boy.
I got me some ice to chill that coke.

Laura said...

I am surprised you didn't have one of those hot girls tucked in a pocket too....or did you?

Anonymous said...

ya'll know if the pocket was big enough....he'd try.:)

Floogin McNoogin said...

brings new meaning to the term pocket...

Laura said...

The pants were stretched too tight....

Floogin McNoogin said...

um, no.

Laura said...

Phew..... well the wife was there

Floogin McNoogin said...

whatever that means.

Laura said...

never mind sheesh.

Trenton said...

So when should I expect my GPhone? I've been clicking ads like a bitch, and I think I deserve a little somethin for my efforts, LOL!!

Glad to hear it went well man! I guess I need to go apply at Google. Nothing like seeing some hot chicks bent over a pool table on lunch, while all the rest of the guys are all off playing WoW on their computers.

Brings a whole new meaning to "When the guys are away, the girls will play..."


Ok, cold shower time!! LOL :D

Trent :-)