Friday, January 23, 2009

UBP, Firearms And A Good Book

So, I'm talking to a friend yesterday and I'm bitching about the boot I'm wearing and how, thanks to the size of the heel on this thing, I needed to put a small lift inside my right shoe to try and even out the legs. So, I'm complaining about teetering on two different heel sizes and I realized how hard it must be for women to walk around on those heel stilts. If I can barely handle an inch or so of insert in my shoe, how can women manage to walk on 6 inch heels?

Of course my calves and ass look great in these heels but has anyone noticed? Has anyone said "Floogin, check out the shape of those stems!"

Nope.

So, as I continued my whine about my long shapely legs, firm, tight butt and the foot pain I endure to provide the world with the view of the aforementioned legs and butt, I realized I was a couple of boobs away from being a woman so I told my friend I needed a pair of boobs and vageen to make me complete.

She laughed and the conversation turned, of course, to something a bit more graphic and she said I would not be too happy with the accidental period in public.

Would anyone? To spontaneously bleed from any hole is nasty. To do it in public and have that blood come from your most private of privates? Um, no thanks but, given that we all know women get their period each month, is it not expected that, sometimes, an accident might occur? And yes, we do all know. Y'all are sure to tell us. It's almost like we're reminded so as to turn us off in the event we want some sex (we do, we always do).

You know how it is.
Honey, do you have the phone with you?
I'm bloated.

Honey, what do you want to do for dinner?
I'm getting my period

Sweetheart, I'm going to leap in front of a bus.
I'm cramping.


And so it goes.

Anyway, where was I? Right, thanks. Accidents in public. So, anyway, this friend brings that risk up and I explain that it should not happen too often as women seem to always be "getting my period any minute" and, besides, it happens. Women certainly can't be embarrassed by it. Every other woman knows that risk and men? We don't care. We see a woman with a period stain and we're thinking "blowjob."
So I tell this friend I'd rather get the blood spots than a public erection.

A what?

Unwanted Public Boner. UBP. The dreaded public hardon.

Girls, you think the high beams were bad. Try pitching a tent and having to hide it from the class.

So, this friend asks what an unwanted public boner is and I simply say "imagine sitting at a funeral and your dick decides to stretch. Hard? At a funeral? Yeah, try getting a date with anyone now sicko.

UPB is actually far more common than accidental public period. Far more common. The wind blows the right way and BOING!! now you neeed to convince the other parents on the playground that you have a condition.

A woman flashes a smile, shows a bit of cleavage and HELLO. So, there you are, standing on the wing of an airplane that just crashed into a river in sub-arctic temps, sporting a giant pleasure stick.

If only we had control over it.

So, instead of trying to harness this power, and use it for good, we have mastered the art of concealing the UPB.

Some of the many ways to conceal:
Hunch over and claim back troubles.

Spill coffee all over yourself, yank the shirt out to dry. The untucked shirt should work as a nice cover.

Grab a pencil and stick your hand down your pants. If anyone notices, pull the pencil out and say "how the fuck did these get in there?" as you pull the first one out. Then dive back in for the others.

Do not tuck it up inside the waist band. The rubbing could prove to be disastrous. Then a coffee stain will be welcomed.


And somehow this leads me to gun control. Now, I'm not a pro or anti gun person. I've fired a gun before. It didn't make me feel like I had a bigger cock. I didn't feel any more power or control but that doesn't mean others don't get that rush. So, do we have the right to control gun ownership in our country? Yes and No. The second amendment to the constitution gives us the right to bear arms. Of course, at the time, they were using muskets and pistols which did little damage. Think bb gun. You know, you'll shoot your eye out Ralphie. Or, better yet, it'll lodge under the skin and cause a very bad infection (points to the reader who can tell me who said this and where).
So, our forefathers knew it was important that we, the people, be allowed to own a gun. Not a machine gun. Not some mini-cannon that shoots thousands of rounds of metal piercing bullets that enter your body and explode, releasing hot magman and flesh eating bacteria that sing abba tunes.

No, our forefathers wanted us to be able to shoot pheasant and deer.

How important was this right to bear arms? Pretty fucking important. Let's see, draw up the basic foundation of our laws and government. Done.

Wait, guys, we forgot something. We forgot to say "we have the right to speak our minds, to practice any faith we see fit (except witches, they burn in hell), the press can report what they want and we shall give everyone the right to protest the government. That should keep us all on our toes. Jolly good. Let's go.

WAIT!!!

We should also be allowed to carry guns.

Yes!

Let's see. Say what you want. Assemble peacably and protest. And do it all whilst carrying guns.

Brilliant.

Bunch of dope smoking drunks just put all the ingrediants for a riot into our consitution.

The second most important thing, behind free speach is the right to bear arms.

Fuck, the thirteenth freed the slaves and the nineteenth gave women the right to vote.

that means it was more important for a man to carry a gun than for a woman to vote.

Actually, if you look at the amendments, it looks like they tried to fix the mistakes created by the previous amendments.

1. free speech, free assembly etc.
somebody brought a gun to a rally.
2. right to own a gun
The military, knowing Jim had guns, took over his home during some fight.
3. Forbids the military from using a private citizen's home for quarters during peacetime.
someone had guns, wouldn't let a military man inside so they went in anyway and found contraband.
4. must have probable cause to search a home.
someone was re-arrested after using the 4th amendment as his excuse for why he shouldn't be in jail.
5. double jeopardy, grand jury indictment etc.

Read the amendments and put your own story together. It's fairly easy to see how the government was taking advantage of people until the amendments were added.


And the good book?

The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death by Charlie Huston.

I've read all of his books and they're all incredible. He writes pulpy pulp fiction. He's got a series of books about vampires, another about an ex baseball player who has some dealings with some bad people and two stand alone novels. The one out now, mentioned above and another called The Shotgun Rule.

All are incredible and, if you like to read action packed, funny stories this guy is your man.

1 comment:

Laura said...

I'll trade you the vageen for the UBP?