Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Audition Process

Here's how an audition works. You show up, do your absolute best to convince the person hiring that you are the best person for the job, then you wait while that person sees other people and makes a decision. The most important thing is to do everything you can to convince the person making the decision that you are the absolute best person for the task.

So, with that in mind, my wife spent her first day auditioning for the role of stay at home mom. Yesterday I told you that I gave her three tasks. The first one was very high on the importance list. Ignored. The second one was not at all important. Ignored. The third one, make me dinner, was actually a joke. I knew it wasn't going to happen but, I figured, she understood the cardinal rule in my home. Make sure I have the three things that make me smile.

1. Coke Zero
2. Sugar Free Jello and Whipped Cream
3. Food should I want more than the first two. This usually consists of cheese, meat, eggs etc.

Not exactly fine dining. Hit the deli counter, the butcher counter and the dairy for eggs, jello and the whipped cream. All told, you can be out of the market in 12 minutes.

So, I get home last night around 7 PM. I take off the heavy coat, remove the scarf, hug the kids, work my way into my bedroom and start to undress for the night. I come back out in a pair of sweats and a tee shirt. Comfy, cozy, ready to talk to the kids, put them to bed, eat dinner and watch the first two hours of 24.

I go to the fridge to grab me a glass of zero. Nothing. Not even a fucking half drank can of flat soda.

So I ask my wife "no coke zero?"

The nanny, who was getting ready to leave, says "I told you daddy would be mad at us."

So I go back to the bedroom, put on jeans, pull on a sweater, put on socks, shoes, scarf, coat and head back out into the frigid cold to get myself a bottle of soda. As I am leaving, my wife says "oh, we need light bulbs too."

"For the lamp on your side of the bed?"

"yes" she tells me.

So, she can't even get herself a fucking light bulb. I guess she didn't notice when the light went on over her cartoon head because it was fucking burned out.

So I trudge out to get her bulbs and me soda. Of course this means two places instead of one. So I get the soda, the bulbs and get back home. Put the soda in the fridge, put the bulbs in the closet, take off the coat, the scarf, the sweater, the jeans, the shoes, the socks, put on the sweats and head out to pour myself a glass of soda. No glasses. What the fuck?

"oh, yeah, we need dishwasher detergent"
Did you do anything today?
"fuck you, I was running all over the place."
Fine. So I go get dressed again. Before I leave I take a piss in the kids's bathroom. I flush and go wash my hands. There's water in the sink. I open the drain. Water doesn't drain out. I wash my hands, filling the sink some more. I ask Floogin Junior why the sink is clogged. He tells me he stuck some tissues and a wipe in the sink. So I take off the coat, the scarf, the sweater and start trying to get the shit out of the sink. No such luck. Then the wife tells me "oh yeah, there's something wrong with the sink."

Did you think to ask the super to come fix it when he came to fix the drip in our bathroom?

"I didn't ask him to come up yet."
"too busy?"

"fuck you"

I get the coat on, scarf etc and head to the store again. Grab draino and the dishwasher stuff and head home.

undress, unclog, turn on the dishes, get to see the kids off to bed, order my food from the fucking diner and while I'm waiting for it to arrive, I put a nice sign up on the fridge. It reads:
1. Coke Zero
2. Sugar Free Jello and Whipped Cream
3. Food That I Eat - eggs, cold cuts, etc

So, I'm still auditioning. Oddly enough, I got a call this morning from a photocopier sales rep. She is so damned hot that I actually had to tell her that she should come by once a month just so I could see her.

She called to say happy new year, see if we changed our minds about the copier and then she told me she had no heat last night and she said it was cold and if she only had a boyfriend, someone she could cuddle up to, stay warm with. She said she has this big apartment and she's all alone. She's got a fridge filled with her favorite things, coke zero, sugar free jello, whipped cream, eggs, cold cuts and steaks, and nobody to cook for.

When I get home tonight, I am not even taking the coat off. Just going to see what she didn't buy today. Then I am packing my bag and heading to copier girl's apartment.

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