Monday, May 03, 2010

How To Ruin A Good Thing

It's been warm here the last few days. Fuck that, it was hot this weekend. Real hot. As mentioned, we hit the park and there were tons of people tanning in their skivvies. A wonderful sight, for sure.

So, today, I drop my daughter off at school and I'm walking to my office, somewhat happy that it's not raining that hard. Sadly, as a result, it's fucking humid. Sweat inducing humid. I hate this weather but, the one saving grace, is the way people dress. That's right, I dig checking out the ladies in their short skirts, low cut tops and skin baring outfits.

Sue me.

So, I'm standing on the corner, waiting for the light to change and, in front of me, is an incredible specimen. She's tall, well dressed, skirt just above the knee, great legs, heels. The whole package. Worthy of a slower walk. Watching this woman saunter will make the humidity far more bearable.

The light changes and, as it does, we start to walk. As we start to walk, an emergency vehicle comes blaring up the street, drowning out all noise (I forgot the music this morning, otherwise I'd have been oblivious to it).

I'm walking slowly, mesmerized by the swaying of this woman's incredible ass. My eyes are glassy as I watch the shapely legs move in long, sexy strides. The siren fades and then I hear it. What the fuck is that? Can it be? No. It can't.

She's clomping like a fucking Clydesdale. The coconut clop clop of her shoes distracts my mind. No longer do I see this lovely visage as something warm and fuzzy to ease me into the start of the work week. No, now I'm envisioning a saddle on her back, a long fuzzy tail and hooves.

While I am a deviant of biblical proportions, this image is not one that will make my McNoogin do the Floogin. It kills me. It feels like my penis is crawling in on itself, creating a mangina. I raced up to my office, plopped down at my desk and immediately started surfing for porn to see if I couldn't coax my cock out of its hidey hole.

No such luck.

I am woman, hear me roar.

So, here I sit, testosterone in flux, libido crushed. Instead of staring at naked women, feeling my little fella get all warm and happy, I'm pondering Glee. I'm wondering what song Kurt will sing this week. I'm wondering if I have the right clothes picked out for the movie screening I'm attending this Thursday. I'm wondering if these pants make my ass look huge.

I need help.


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