Thursday, May 14, 2009

Floogin Coins a New Word and Gets Gum Shoed

I referred to someone, ok, I referred to a group of people as halftards and the recipient of this comment mentioned that they liked the word but never heard it. I realized that I made it up. Right there, on the spot, I referred to this group as halftards without a thought.

So, I realized, a definition was needed. Etymology is simple. It comes from ancient McNoogin.
halftard
hahf tahrd
noun
someone who is too fucking stupid to be worth the time, not retarded enough to qualify for sympathy.

Halftards are lower on the social scale than a fucktard because fucktards are often thought to be acting intentionally retarded to garner sympathy or annoy the shit out of you. Halftards are really retarded without the clinical diagnosis.

Fell free to use it, pass it around, etc. Just remember, it's M C N O O G I N when you give me credit.

So, I've been bored with myself of late. I finished the bulk of the clusterfuck of work and I have found myself unable to sit still or do much of anything. I can't focus, can't write, the weather mostly sucks so there's no point leaving early to enjoy the day. Some anonymous halftard (see how it's used) thought I should write about the gum on the bottom of my shoe. I thought that odd since I did have gum on the bottom of my shoe but this anonymous person, who's old enough to still say Jay is no Johnny and Johnny was no Jack Parr, apparently knows about the gum. So, I wonder, did they put it there? Did they raid my closet one night and check my shoes for gum? Is it commonplace to have a wad of gum underfooot?

No, can't be. This wad is not the standard gray or green. It's brown. It has a couple of hairs stuck in it. It's gross and I know, you're thinking "Floogin, you halftard (again, proper usage), that's not gum, it's shit."

Well, I know it isn't shit. It's too gooey to be shit, it doesn't smell like shit and it has a slight mint taste to it so who's the halftard? (again, see that usage?)

Speaking of shit. I've heard people say "oh, he's such an ass, he thinks his shit don't stink."

Not about me but, I'm sure, someone, somewhere, has said it or thought it and, I think, perhaps, now is as good a time as any to address this issue.

Yes, my shit does stink. Bad. I think it might, actually, stink worse than other people's shit. No, I'm not stinky shit elitist, it's just an observation.

I can walk into the bathroom, inhale and get a whiff of someone else's eau d'anus and the first thing that comes to mind (after "mmm, peppers and cheese") is "lightweight."

The shit they drop might make a kid gag but the presence of a kernel of my shit leaves a thick residue on the windows which kinda sucks if you want to crack the window for some air but, otherwise, it's downright amazing. The room becomes a shit sauna where anyone who enters must endure the rectal vapors and the pungeont air and if they are fortunate enough to merely swallow their vomit, well, good on them.

How the hell did I go from gum on my shoe to brown airy joy? Blame that anonymous halftard who thought gum on my shoe was as good a topic as the mistakes I made in my life.

Everything I've done in my life has led to something else and, having not yet experienced a living dead end, I can say there've been no mistakes.

Thus, you ask me how I'd change things and I take a shit instead.

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

but floogin dear sir, if you did not change things in your life daily..it would be more than your shit that doth stink.
As for the mysterious wad of gum...
I put it there to give you something to talk about.
check it for dna.

Floogin McNoogin said...

change is a good thing, I didn't say I didn't change things, I said I don't like to look back and suggest things I'd do differently.

Laura said...

Always back to the bathroom "humor", and your shit stinks more than anyone elses? Now that is an interesting ego...or just a halftard.

Anonymous said...

what would you change then..?

Floogin McNoogin said...

Laura, you fucking halftard, that is not the proper use. The way I used it would be proper.

fucking halftard. (see?)

Anonymous, other than my manthong, I don't actually plan on changing anything. As to what I would change, I guess you aren't really understanding me when I say I wouldn't change a thing. I might do things differently going forward but I would not go back in time and alter a thing in my life.

No, wait, there was that time with the two girls in college and the heavy one wanted cheese fries and the acid was wearing off. I might not walk out on that opportunity.

Those cheese fries were good and I missed out on them that night because I opted for the three way lovin instead.

kidding. I went home. didn't want to watch the big girl eat.

Laura said...

Got it .. fucking halftard. Thanks.

I'll make sure to use it.

Floogin McNoogin said...

I doubt it. You'll misuse it.

Laura said...

Doubt it? Haven't lied to you yet. Gonna teach it to all my friends too.

And just to ensure I get it..give me another example.

foxy roxy said...

Wow, what a fucking halftard.

Floogin McNoogin said...

Not so sure. she might actually be a retard or a fucktard. I don't know if she is clinically retarded and I doubt if she is intentionally obtuse on this which would, in theory, make her a halftard but, perhaps, in this case, it's just a case of no diagnosis.

a tard for sure, it's the type of tard that needs clarification. maybe she can tell us.
are you intentionally this obtuse, messing around or just clueless?

Laura said...

Since you are both fucking halftards I will let you have the laugh.

And McNoogin, you want to see a bunch of certifiable fucking halftards, watch the Housewives of NYC reunion show. A fucking train wreck. Give us apprentice fucking halftards something to strive for.. or not.

Floogin McNoogin said...

Ok, I think I know the answer

Retard.

The housewives are halftards, for the most part. They aren't intentionally stupid and they certainly haven't been diagnosed as retarded. The countess is not included in this group as she is the only "normal" one in that group.

The fact that you think fucking must go first and that you still don't understand the whole concept of this new word leads me to believe that you are, in actuality, retarded but, given the lack of proper diagnosis (I'm not a doctor), you're a halftard.

Wear that badge with honor.

Laura said...

Wow, I bow to your uber halftardedness,

Just trying to boost your comment count..good for the ego.

Floogin McNoogin said...

on the contrary, you're stating your case for fucktardery. I am considering having a doctor review the comments and give his diagnosis.

Spamming my comment count? Does multiple comments from the same halftard impress people or do they view it as something akin to watching the fat guy try and scale the wall in basic training. On the outside, they're cheering him on but on the inside, laughter beyond belief.

Laura said...

Been called worse, and laughed at before. Life goes on.

You should know.

Floogin McNoogin said...

is it the need for attention, the need to be seen or just a general gluttony that is keeping this going?

anyone?

beuhler?

Anonymous said...

I have a new name for Foxy Roxy:

"Stupid-fuckwit-who-thinks-she's-eloquent-and-articulate-and-witty-but-in-reality-is-simply-a-really-pretentious-stupid-fuckwit".

And one for Floogin:

"Self-indulgent-poop-obsessed-shitface"

I know, they're a mouthful but i think they could catch on.

Floogin McNoogin said...

please don't sugar coat it. Tell me how you really feel, I can take it.

Someone so chickenshit they can't even hide behind the normal anonymity of the internet and usernames? Seriously? Such a pussy that you comment anonymously in a land of anonimty? Afraid I might figure out who dumshit2190 is?

Think you feel pathetic now, the 2190 means there are 2189 dipshits ahead of you. You're such a putz, if they had a competition for biggest putz, you'd come in second.

Thanks for the comment. Appreciate. Seriously.

foxy roxy said...

Anon. Wow.

I've had foreplay that didn't last that long.

However, to be a dick enough to fuck me, first, you'll have to get rid of the pussy and grow some balls. Second, you'll have to hit the wet spot harder than that weak shit you're giving me for me to feel it. Thirdly, when something is good, a mouthful isn't necessary.
Just ask the legless bitch chained to the corner of my basement, screaming her lungs out still. She's feisty, her flesh tasty; like broasted chicken. Small bites here and there can be quite satisfying.

See there, all the effort did was make me hungry and slightly wet. So, if you want to fuck, hit harder than that. But watch out; I'm more hungry than horny.

Floogin McNoogin said...

shit, I don't think I'm dick enough to fuck Roxy. Is anyone dick enough for that kind of pussy talk?

Anonymous said...

Upon reading this and subsequent comments, one must deduce that "halftard" is the ultimate insult.
"Fucktard" would give the impression of "Fuck" (pleasure)and "retard" would give the impression of "re" (over again) to those of the "optimistic" nature....
So "halftard" being neither pleasurable, nor repeatedly, leaves one feeling the most like they are being rejected.Oh my..how truly insightful..yet sad...
Don't feel so bad though..there is a place where those of like minds are most welcomed...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tard
Peace be with you....:)

Anonymous said...

foxy...you make no sense at all. You're a shit writer.

Floogin...my name is Paul and i'm from Minnesota. Or maybe my name is David and i'm from Idaho. Are you so fucking moronic to think just because i COULD leave a name and place, that i am not still anonymous? This is the internet, everybody is anonymous. That's why you still have doubts about Foxy Roxy actually being a chick and not some gay dude who likes to dress up in womens clothes.

You're such a fucking cracker.

Anonymous said...

Fuck-tard is a common word used around my place of business. It just suits some people well.

Define that...

Floogin McNoogin said...

anonymous moron who is telling me about the anonimty aspect of the internet, please re-read my comment. you're afraid to leave comments under a username and that is what makes you even more pathetic.

yes, I said that.

usernames are made up, locations aren't real and, yet, you don't even have the stones to post under the some assumed name.

that, my friend is beyond sad.

I'm booking a trip to Tard. Heard it's lovely this time of year.

foxy roxy said...

Sweetheart, if that's you trying to fuck me, I hope you brought a strap-on. But beyond the obvious lack in education you've had, including a copy of Strunk & White missing from your desk, all I can say is the following.

I never claimed to be a good writer. Sure, it bought me three houses, a mustang, a camaro, an escalade, college funds for my kids, and a life I consider a luxury.
In truth, I'm surprised you know my work at all. Yes, Foxy knows a thing or two about anonymity, and pseudonyms.

With that in mind, let me go thus far and burst your bubble; you're not as anonymous as you'd like to think. See, it doesn't matter what you sign under, a username, etc. It's pointless, as your writing style itself gives you away. It's your trace evidence, your kryptonite, if you will.

Let me put it in terms a halftard, retard, fucktard, or downright veghead can get (veghead, ie, dumb enough to be clinically pronounced braindead, and your brain's sole purpose is to keep your head from caving in)- a person with a working mind can distinguish prose written by different authors, or the same. Compare a page of Stephen King's work to, say, Dean Koontz and you'll either get my drift, or comfirm what others already suspect.

What I have on my side is simple- I know who you are. The same for you cannot be said. I will give you part credit, as I'm not a man who wears women's clothes, but a woman who will a man's flannel.
I can't speak for what others might think or believe, as I could give two shits or a cup of piss.

And I wonder if Floogin still has doubts of my being female.
I'll leave it to Floog to answer the question of doubt he may or may not have.
But as far as you fucking me, since you don't understand the logic, I'll spell it out.
If you want to be a dick, then learn how to get hard and fuck. If I have to be a dick and fuck your pussy antics, so be it.
But prepare to get it rough, and the weaker you get, the more likely it'll be I'll tear your ass up.

Anonymous said...

From Anon #1...
Please pass the popcorn..this is better than the soaps.

Laura said...

Wow, looking for something mindless to read in the middle of the night and I found it.

I don't know who's man or what, although I think I am sure about Floogin but I have had my doubts. But whatever you all are, it is one big pissing contest which as far as I'm concerned makes you all fucktards, halftards, vegheads or what ever you want to call each other. Rather amusing...sort of.

I can't piss like you all can and would admittedly lose so I leave it to the rest of you.

As for anonymity Laura is the real name..no problems using it.

And to the last anon.. I have some soda if you'll share the popcorn.

joncee said...

Anonymous seems in the vicinity of Garden City, Kansas.

That being so, veghead would appear the mOar appropriate nomenclature.

Haven't been 'round this way in a while Floogin. Lurvin' on the "halftard" moniker, though. A perfectly descriptive term for a group of individuals who were previously and all-too often miscategorized - lumped in with a bunch of other dimwits and dumbfucks.

Perhaps Anon should consider a merger - Anonymous Halftard

Quite fitting, if you ask me... in a hand meets glove sort of manner.

Aisha said...

I was waiting for a new post to comment on but seeing as one is not forthcoming i shall attempt to make a comment on this one instead.
I am fairly sure that i understand what the term "halftard" means.
But by only being "fairly sure" i am now worried that this actually MAKES me a halftard.

Ah well.

And a little message to the Anonymous poster....please stop. I come here to smirk and laugh at Floogins musings and to be further amused at the comments that follow. Such negativity therefore, is not nice and makes my tummy hurt. And after reading Foxys replies, it also makes me fear for your life on some extremely small scale.

Floogin McNoogin said...

nice to see you're still enjoying my misery Aisha.

Might want to read the latest post. I'm dying.