Thursday, May 28, 2009

Rabbi McNoogin Junior

When I came home last night, my son, Zoogin McNoogin (not his real name) ran up to me and said "dad, I learned the ten commandants today."

"Do you mean commandments?" I asked.

"Those too," was his response.

Zoogin goes to pre-k in a synagogue and, as a result, there's some religious education tossed into the paste eating and finger painting.

Before I could get the ten commandants from my son, my daughter comes racing over on her razor scooter. She uses the scooter to get around the apartment because it's fucking tiring walking the 20 feet from one room to the other. She says "dad, I can read your mind." "I just need a pen, paper and two cups," she tells me.

So, I tell her to get the cups, the pen, the paper and I tell Zoogin to have a seat and I will change and then he can tell me the commandants and she can read my mind.

As I'm heading into my bedroom the babysitter comes over. "Daddy," she starts, "Zoogin pushed Joogin (not her real name) today."

She then quickly adds that it wasn't a big deal but, she said, "I told him God didn't like that."
(Zoogin seems to bring up the big guy quite a lot these days, even threatened my wife with a god is watching you type remark)

I asked the sitter what Zoogin's response was to the announcement that God didn't like him pushing his sister.

"He didn't see it, he was busy eating dinner," was Zoogin's response.

Zoogin, it seems, has a direct line to the man upstairs. I'm hoping this works out for me down the road because, given the other shit in my life, having an "in" with god might be a good thing for me.

So, I quickly change and I head back out to the table. My daughter says "dad, I know what you're thinking about" and she starts writing.

I ask her what I'm thinking about and she holds up the paper.

"Hot Chicks" is written on the page.

I tell my daughter I'm always thinking of hot chicks. She then starts tearing up paper and writing on the cups for some trick that turns out to be not a trick and she did it wrong and it made no sense but I pretended to be mystified by her mad mind reading skills and she seemed genuinely thrilled by it all.

Then I gave Zoogin the floor.

Ok Z, give me the Ten Commandants, According to Zoogin.
so, without further adieu, here they are.

10. Don't Lick
9. Don't eat in the bedroom
8 Try not to pee in your pants (I think this is actually one of the Ten Suggestions)
7. Be Respectful of Everyone
6. Don't Kill. (he then fell to the floor, legs akimbo, playing dead and said "don't make someone like this forever. I guess he felt I needed help with the don't kill part)
5. Be nice to moms and dads or brothers and sisters and boyfriends and girlfriends
4. Don't say bad words like stupid or idiot or shit (he whispered the last one)
3. Love Everybody
2. Don't Jump on the couch
It should be noted that the last one, the primo commandant according to Zoogin was, originally, I love my daddy but his sister informed him that announcing he loved his daddy wasn't a commandment so he had to pick another one. And picking another one led to...
1. Don't pick your boogers.

There you have it. Follow those ten commandants and you shall find yourself in heaven, waiting on God, who's probably too busy eating dinner to welcome you.

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