Friday, April 16, 2010

The Facts of Life

The weather is (was) warmer and that brought out the best, and worst, of New York City. The short skirts, the shorter shorts, the low cut tops, the barely there tank tops. They were all taken out of the mothballs and worn. And it got me thinking. It seems that some folks simply don't understand the facts of life. I'm not talking about sex here, no, I'm talking about those basic facts that everyone should know, and understand.

for example.

Fact 1. Those really long nails are disgusting. That's right women. If your finger nails are inches long, you look like a whore. If they're so long that they curve and you can't do anything without having to reposition your hands to avoid breaking them, you're nothing more than an idiot whore. And if you waste your hard earned whore dollars getting them painted with streaks and sparkles and stars? Trailer Park Whore. It's really that simple. There's not a guy out there who sees you, with your nails that are longer than a cock, painted with stars and moons and thinks "classy lady, I should see if she wants to get a cup of coffee." No, he's got his hand in his pocket so he can see if he has enough quarters and dimes for a blow job.

Fact 2. If you're fat, dress appropriately. You want to show off some skin, do it in the privacy of your own home. When your back is so fat you have extra ass cheeks, you should wear a tent, not a form fitting shirt that resides above the second roll of blubber below your tits.

Fact 3. If you don't have the legs for it, don't wear short skirts or short shorts. Here's the thing. When fat women show off their legs and jam their pigs knuckles into some fuck me pumps, all that happens is men see your legs and those shoes and they are immediately reminded of Miss Piggy at a formal. No joke. Take a peek at a pigs leg and hoof and then check out a fat broad in a short skirt and heels. Same fucking thing.

Fact 3a. Do not wear fish nets or any of the other fashionable lacy hose/stockings. This is an addendum to the above. If you've got the legs for it, by all means, wear them but, if your flesh oozes through the lace or net, stop. Throw them out. Your legs will look like some perverted play-doh porn for chubbie chasers. Nobody wants to see that.

Fact 4. No belt clips or ear pieces for your cell phone. You look like a star trek wannabe. I don't care how hot you might be, if you have a phone clipped to your belt or an ear piece hanging on your melon, you look like an idiot. In the car, when nobody can see you, and it is required, I don't care if you wear two. On the street? Ditch it.

Fact 5. When talking on your cell in public, remember, it's a fucking phone call that nobody else cares about. Nobody gives a shit if you got blown last night or if some guy went down on you or your boyfriend's a prick or you made some money in the market. Nobody gives a shit about you, except, possibly, the person you're talking to so keep it the fuck down. If we wanted to know more about your life, we'd give you a reality show, call it Real Jackasses of the City and 3 people would watch it. You, the moron on the other end of the phone and the one loser impressed by your new found "celebrity."

Fact 6. Guys think your Ugg boots are awful. Not only do they destroy the image of a nice pair of legs, we know how fucking hot your feet must get and, now that it's spring, it's time to mothball them until the winter. I actually prefer a fat broad in a short skirt, fishnets and heels to a supermodel in a skirt or shorts and uggs. Why? Because I know that, when taking off her clothes, her feet will be sweaty and the stench from the boots and her feet will be enough to stop a herd of elephants in their tracks.

Fact 7. Have a Good One. What the fuck does this even mean? If I run into you as I'm heading for the shitter, are you telling me to enjoy my dump? If I tell you to "have a good one" as you head over to your ob-gyn, am I suggesting you get a good speculum? It's a stupid fucking expression. Stop using it.

Fact 8. If you email someone, and you leave them a voicemail, wait for their fucking response. We are so wired to everything these days that you can be sure at least one of the the voicemails, texts, tweets, emails, smoke signals and facebook postings has been seen. If we haven't responded yet, there's a reason so stop fucking adding to the shit we have to sift through before we can get back to you. If you haven't heard back yet, assume that the person you want to talk to is busy, or being held hostage by a gang of angry gypsies, or fell into a coma, is dead or simply doesn't want to talk to you. If they do, they'll get back to you.

That's it for now. I'm sure I'll find more and I'll add to them as I do. If you have any facts of life to add, let me know.


Trenton said...

Now that felt good to get out, didn't it??

Feel better now?

Trent :-)

Secret Admirer said...

Absolutely brilliant.

Oh and I agree with it all. (of course)

The nail thing....yeah. I thought the long fake nails was out of style? Guess not in New Yawk....or Jerzy.

I will ponder on this today and add my Facts of Life.....