Sunday, March 21, 2010

No Right Answer

Have you ever been asked a question that you know cannot be answered? You know, questions like, "does this make me look fat?" If you say no, you're lying, if you say yes, you're an asshole.

Well, I had me a doozy yesterday.

I'm walking home, enjoying the end of an incredibly nice day. Of course, I didn't enjoy the day as I was working but the walk home was my only chance to take in the first truly gorgeous day this year. And I was loving it. Sound cancelling ear buds set firmly in my ears, music to walk to was all I heard. Sunglasses on, I'm bobbing and weaving through the overly crowded pedestrian section of Times Square and I come to a red light. I'm standing there, waiting for the light to change when I get tapped on my shoulder. I turn around and there's a dude standing there, staring at me. I slip a bud out of my ear and say "what can I do for you?"

"Yo, you checking out my woman?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me motherfucker, you checking out my girl?"

"Um, no."

"What? She ain't worth checking out?"

"Um, seriously man, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just walking home."

"I asked you, she ain't worth checking out?"

"I don't even know who she is."

"She right here"

"Very nice, yes, sure, she's worth checking out."

"Motherfucker, you checking out my woman"

A small crowd is gathering. The light changes, I start to walk away, he follows.

"Hey, motherfucker, don't walk away from me."

"Sorry, I need to get going and I wasn't checking out your girlfriend but, yes, she's a real looker, you should be proud to have her on your arm"

"thank you"

"Don't you talk to him, bitch. Yo, don't be making fun asshole, I asked you if you checking out my girl. I don't need you eyeballing my lady."

walking and talking

"I wasn't, I didn't, I'm blind to my surroundings, I'm listening to music, heading home from work, I really don't pay much attention to other people when I'm walking."

"You paying attention to me now, asshole."

"You're talking to me."

"That's right motherfucker, I am talking to you."

"Well, like I said, I gotta run but, seriously, you should keep an arm around that girl, you spend too much time talking to me, she might start looking for someone else to keep her company."

"What the fuck you saying?"

"Nothing, just saying you don't need to worry about me, you should pay attention to her, she deserves it."

"Why that?"

"Look at her, she's very pretty."

"So you was checking her out."

"No, man, you pointed her out to me. I'm just saying, she were mine, I'd spend my time looking at her, not at other dudes to see if they were checking her out."

"You saying I'm checking you out?"

"shit. No. I'm saying you should spend less time worrying about other guys, more time devoted to looking at her."

"Don't you tell me how to treat my woman. she happy, I treat her just fine motherfucker."

"Then why are you still walking with me? She's back there somewhere, stopped at a light."

Turning, running the other way....

"Fuck you, motherfucker, we ain't done. I'm coming back after I get her lazy ass.

"Ok but I think you'll understand if I don't wait for you."

"I'll catch you motherfucker. You won't be happy when I do."

"Probably not."

And then, as soon as I saw him melt into the crowd, I turned off the street, heading east.

She was pretty damned hot. What she was doing with this half pint gangsta wannabe, this 10 cent (certainly no fitty cent), is beyond me.

Oh, and yes, I was totally checking her out.


Scott said...

Love it!

Floogin McNoogin said...

Thanks and welcome to the diary of my ridiculous life.

Anonymous said...

She must have looked like a goat.

Anonymous said...

could't have been that hot, i was nowhere near the east coast today, although i'm developing a spectacular west coast tan

Trenton said...

He was itching for a fight me thinks. Now that woulda been something to blog about!! Kicking the shit out of some gangsta wannabe would certainly be fun to read about.

But, I'm glad you were the bigger man. It's obvious that he was just another putz trying to show off "'fo his bitch", if you'll pardon my shitty attempt at slang.

Funny stuff, nonetheless!! Always fun to read.

Trent :-)

Floogin McNoogin said...

anonymous 1, this is NYC, not Oklahoma. What we call a hot woman walks on two legs and isn't covered in fur.

Anonymous 2, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you aren't the only good looking woman on the planet, assuming you are as hot as you claim to be.

Trent, I think he was just trying to impress his woman and it backfired a bit.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I call bullshit.

Floogin McNoogin said...

may be. may not be.

Secret Admirer said...

And what were you listening to again? :P

You should have said, "I was actually checking you out. Im not into chics". But that could go a few ways:

"Oh okayz dude, sorry bout dat"

"Dude yews think im phat? Yews dig my threads and my hawt bod?"

"Dude, I dont roll dat way and I gonna beat your lil white ass until you do dig chics"

"Dude, I kood tell yews was into da boyz, I was jus messn witcha"

Either way, you better get you a pair of next time you stroll down those mean streets of New Yawk City.

Secret Admirer said...

I take it "anonymous" is jealous because he is not getting enough personal attention in his real life. I suspect he is the jealous type just like the loser in the story too. Someone looks at his girl and because he has such a tiny inadequate penis he feels threatened by all males. Its ok. There are many boys like this out there. And they are so easy to spot. It is a common infliction only eased with a quick and childish verbal insult that has absolutely no affect on the person being insulted. Loser with tiny penis vomits out childish insult, penis gets a little tingle and he runs off giggling, feeling like a man finally.
So anonymous, enjoy the little tingle you get from your silly little comments here. We all know who you are. There is one of you in ever crowd and if it wasn’t so funny, it would actually be painful to watch someone make such a complete idiot of themselves.

Floogin McNoogin said...

anonymous is having fun spamming the comment box but, sadly, my friend from the North Bay Ontario area doesn't realize that his comments aren't getting posted, his access is denied.