Tuesday, June 02, 2009

McGaggin and McShavin'

I went to take a piss before and there was someone dropping a load that was so foul, so pungent, so fucking gross that there were flies in the bathroom. I'm on the 20th floor. That's a big fucking climb for a little fly. Sadly, these flies came up thinking there was a fine smelling shit to land on and eat. What they discovered when they got to the open window was a bathroom with no shit to land on. They were, clearly, too weak to fly down to the street so they were buzzing, weakly, around the bathroom. As I was peeing, and holding my breath, a fly landed on the top of the urinal. It looked up at me, those big, fucked up fly eyes looked so sad, so weak. And then it happened. The fly gagged. This guy's shit stunk so bad, even flies were gagging. That's about as foul as it can get, I guess.

When your shit's so wrong that even flies aren't showing love, you should head to a doctor for a check up.

I quickly finished up and washed up so I could escape from the cloud and get some air.

As I began heading back to my office I thought about the fly, sitting there, looking up at me with those odd looking eyes.

I had to go back and save the fly. I couldn't let it lie there, wallowing in that stench. I turned the knob, took a deep breath and ran in. The fly, alas, was dead.

The source of the odor was now at the sink, washing his hands and talking on his cell. It was my new tenant. I immediately screamed at him for killing the fly. He looked at me like I was crazy so I scooped up the dead fly and brought it over to him. He looked at me like I was nuts.

I looked at him like a murderer. His ass, and the contents within, killed a fucking fly. Flies live for shit, they love stink and his shit, his stink, were so fucking bad that it killed a fly. Think about that. That's like being killed by air or a really big, really tasty cheeseburger. Too much to handle? An overdose of sorts, I guess.

R.I.P. Fly

On a side note, I shaved my balls over the weekend. I was having a conversation with someone about girls who go with the full bald look and I said I liked a bit of hair down below, nothing major, nor 70's Angela Davis Afro, just a nice strip to point me in the right direction. The conversation turned towards men who shave their pubes and someone said "it makes your dick look bigger, that's why so many porn stars do it."

First, I thought, "dude's spending too much time staring at cock." then I thought, perhaps, maybe, it was worth a try. Not like anyone will notice, besides me so what's the difference, right?

So I did some trimming with my electric razor, then I realized I can no longer use that to trim the burns. Then I started lathering up the stubble and then it hit me. What the fuck was I doing? I was about to take a razor to my most sacred, special place and for what? To make my dick look bigger? Does that even work? Seriously, I've seen plenty of shaved vaginas in my life, some real and up close, some in print, some in movies, they've never seemed abnormally large due to lack of hair. Why would a woman want to make her vagina appear bigger anyway? Boobs? Sure, I can understand that. Some men are into big boobs, even if they do look cartoonishly silly with basketballs implanted under the skin. Some men get off on really fat broads too. Hell, there are sites on the internet for women in glasses getting facials. But a big pussy? Does the concept of giant pussy really appeal to anyone other than farm animals and elephants? I guess, if I was hung like Dumbo, I might see a grand canyon sized pussy and think "yeah, that would work."

Of course, I'm not elephantine at all, unless you count my ego so I see a large vagina and think "lots of kids or lots of cock." I guess, if I shaved my pubes, my dick would look bigger and I'd see the giant vagina and think, yeah, that'll work.

So I shaved my pubes.

And my wife saw me towelling off after a shower and said "wow, you're penis looks huge, too bad you had to shave your balls though, it's gonna itch like a motherfucker and now it's looking too big for this" and she pulled down her panties and as the wookie fur expanded into the new found space around it, I swear I heard a whooshing sound. I definitely felt a breeze.


Anonymous said...

Slow news day eh? Your wee little pecker is still a wee little pecker only now it's itching and cold...

I know a good rug shop on 34th I can get you in for a fitting you porr fucked up fellow.

Floogin McNoogin said...

on 34th? Seems anon knows where I am. That's either scary or sad.

Regardless, the merkin shop is on 33rd.

Anonymous said...

ahem..all i say is, you and i had the same idea this weekend..

Floogin McNoogin said...

really? you wanted to see what it was like to stick your penis in the mouth of an angry badger while blowing bubbles out of your nostrils and shoving malt balls in your ass?

Anonymous said...

lol..no silly..not going there...