Floogin's Nocturnal Emission

I'm not a sexual deviant. I swear it. Ok, I am but I have it under control. This is the discussion I had to have this morning with my wife. Not sure if this will sound better if I start at the end and work my way backwards or if I give you the story as it unfolds. Ok, unfolding the story for you.

I got home around 11 last night from work, ate something and watched Heroes (not bad). Then, around 12:30 I drifted off to sleep. At 1 my son woke me for the first of 6 wake ups. Over the course of an hour and a half he woke me to tell me he wanted juice, wanted to watch tv, wanted to play with his trains and wanted to have breakfast. By 2 am I was a zombie.

So, at 4:30, when my daughter wakes me to tell me she has to pee, I zombie shuffle into my bathroom with her. I'm literally blind. It's pitch black. I realize I am sleep walking when I sit down on the edge of the tub and find something lodged in a place where you just don't put stuff. I have heard that the most common excuse people give when something is lodged in their ass is "I fell in the shower." I'm serious. I've heard this from doctors who have had the misfortune of viewing these things. I've seen the x-ray of the man with the crown royal bottle lodge in his ass - all the way, neck first. When this man was asked how the hell he managed to get a crown royal bottle lodged in his ass, he didn't even hesitate, he just said "fell in the shower."

So, I sat on a bottle of something. My eyes instantly shot open. I was no longer a virgin in that arena. I must've let out some kind of a yelp because my daughter laughed and my wife asked if I was ok. I said yes and she went back to sleep.

It should be pointed out here that she has been working insane hours the last two weeks, culminating with an allnighter this past sunday so she was in a far deeper state of sleep than I when all this unfolded.

Ok, so I'm no longer an ass virgin. My daughter finishes peeing and I zombie shuffle/ass rape limp her back to her bedroom, tuck her in and zombie shuffle/ass rape limp back to my bed.

My wife wakes up first and heads into the bathroom. I hear her gasp and then she says "what the fuck is this?"

I crawl out of bed and she's standing next to the shower, pointing at, what appears to be semen, all over the floor and the tub.

She looks me in the eye and asks "did you wake up and jerk off? Is that why you were making all that noise?"

I suddenly find myself acting all defensive, like it was ok for me to head into the bathroom and spew Floogin's Special Sauce all over the place. I start stammering about how I was taking our daughter to pee and I sat on something and I ..and she freaks.

You what? You did this after you took our daughter to the bathroom? What the fuck is wrong with you?

I manage to calm down and I start to laugh.

I tell her to calm down and then I show her what happened. I show her the bottle of conditioner on the floor that, apparently, was in my ass.

She mumbles something about me being a loser and, as I walk out she tells me I look like I was a grinding pole. I ask her what she's talking about and she tells me to feel the back of my shorts.

yup, covered in conditioner.