Monday, July 19, 2010

Ruined Thumbs, Family Insanity and the Tie Dyed Dong

Lots of fun over a short period of time and my typing is is arduous thanks to a bit of horseplay with the boy.  End result, I managed to get blamed for more of my sister's insanity, I can barely use my left hand and my member looks like an extra from the show Hair.

It was my dad's birthday on Saturday so, rather than do the beach club with my wife and kids, we went to my parents' place.  The center of insanity, chaos central.  Sure, over the last couple of weeks it's been far more enjoyable with my brother in law no longer welcome and their kids not always there but, for this special weekend, my sister left Saturday and returned Sunday evening for a night with her husband, sans kids.  This meant that my wife and I were stuck with all four kids.  Warning, good times ahead.

Got out Saturday around 2, just as my sister was leaving.  The kids went right into the pool with young Floogin creating havoc by fucking with his younger niece.  Nothing out of the ordinary but a headache for sure.

The day, and the ensuing dinner out with the old man, went as expected.  The kids were ok, only minor issues for the most part but, just before we were leaving, my nephew assaulted my son.  They were all playing with their nintendo ds's and then they went out on the swings.  My son, seeing his cousin's ds sitting on the table, unused, picked it up to play and my nephew went batshit.  He charged my son, grabbed the ds with one hand, punching my son in the stomach and chest with the other.  My son, apparently, stood there, stunned.  Then my nephew grabbed his shirt and threw him to the ground so that he could start kicking my son.  My brother in law (the older one) and his son (16 years old) broke it up and my mother came out to deal with the mess.  This meant that all the kids got punished (no more swings) and my mother managed to lay blame on my son.  My daughter and my nephew broke the sad, unfortunate, news that the golden child went postal for no reason but that didn't matter.  When I was appraised of the situation by my mother, it was candy coated and twisted enough to imply that my son provoked the kid.  I really wasn't that bothered by it all because my son never cried, never hit back and never said boo about it.  Why?  Well, when I asked him about it the next day, he said "it didn't hurt and I didn't want to hurt Dylan."

That's my boy.  Hard as hell and wise enough to not get himself into more trouble.  That was the extent of Saturday

Sunday was a day for the ages. 

It started out innocent enough.  I was in the pool with my son.  The older kids went with my wife for some shopping and my sister's nanny was taking care of their girl so Junior and I had ourselves some fun.  When the kids were all back to the house, the calls for tie dying began.  We did this last summer and it was a lot of fun for the kids so we had decided to do it again.  My wife and I brought the tie dye kits and a bunch of shirts and tank tops for the 4 kids.  We set everything up, set the shirts to soaking and hit the pool for some more fun.  Around 2 in the afternoon we started the dying.  First, we did my shirt so the kids could see all the colors.  Then, they each took turns, playing very nicely with each other, taking turns, being great and working like a team.  The rubber gloves provided with the kit tore as I put them on so I was operating bare handed and, seeing the dye on my fingers, I told the kids I was going to handle the ink for them.  No problems there.

Midway thru the process, I had to pee.  Badly.  So, I put everything on hold and hit the outdoor bathroom.

I didn't think about the dye on my hands until it was too late.  I looked down as I gave little McNoogin a shake and sure enough, my wang was multicolored.  Purples, reds, pink blue and  green.  Some orange and yellow for good measure.  My schmekel was speckled.

I wanted to show off my multi-colored member but the kids were not the right audience for this so I tucked my technicolor tallywhacker away and headed back to the kids.

We finished the shirts, I attempted to wash the ink off my stained fingers and then my mom asked me to set my dad's new photo printer up for him (my present to him).

While I'm doing this, my mother is hanging out with me.  This is never a good thing.  Around 5 minutes in, the phone rings and my mom answers the phone and moves to the room next to the office so she can talk, no whisper, to my younger sister about the weekend.  I can hear my mom whispering tales of my kids, the bickering, the assault etc and I never say a word.  Biting my tongue because I know that it is useless to get involved with this.

Then my mom says she has another call coming in and she hangs up on the younger, to talk to the older sister. 

More hushed words and whispering and then my mom calls me and says my sister wants to talk to me.  Now, my older sister is, like me, always dealing with the b.s. created by our little sister, always being thrown under the bus and always being treated as less important.

So, I grab the phone, say hi and ask what's up.

"I just need to vent."

Have at it I tell her.

My mom leaves the room.

My sister then tells me how the younger sister called my brother in law (the older sis's husband) and told him to take her husband (the ass) out for a round of golf on Sunday.  My brother in law is a good guy, he hates the ass as much as the rest of us but he's a good person so he said he'd take him out.  My younger sister set up a time and that was that.

So, yesterday, my younger calls my older and says "I'm dropping the ass off at 1:30."

My older says "tee time is at 3:15"

Younger says "I know but I'm heading to the beach so you need to take him."

Older says "fine"

Some time before 1, my nephew tells his dad he wants to play golf that afternoon so my brother in law says, sure, you can join us.  Then my brother in law realizes he only has the convertible and he can't take his son and the ass, and their clubs, to the club so he calls the younger, who should be about 30 minutes away and says "drop him off at the club, I don't have room for him and my son"

Younger then tells my brother in law she just got off the exit and she's 5 minutes from his house.  My brother in law now has no way of getting everyone there so he enlists his daughter to drive her brother to the course to appease my sister.

40 minutes later, my sister and the ass have yet to arrive.  This means she was not even at the club yet.  Sunday, heading east, is a traffic free day.  Everyone is heading the other way and, once you leave the highway, as my sister said she did, you can walk to the house in under 20 minutes.

So, my older sister is venting about this, telling me how my younger sister has taken to telling everyone what to do, what is happening etc, with no discussion, no care about the other parties involved etc.

The cited a few examples and I finally said to my sister "tell you husband and son to go to the club and when they get there, tell them they waited and left and if he still wants to play, he should get in the car and head back to the club"

Suddenly, my mother comes in, shouting about traffic etc.  Apparently, she was on her cell, talking to younger whilst eavesdropping on my conversation.

I quietly told my sister I had to go and then I explained to my mother that her daughter was venting.  She was tired of being ordered around and, rather than make a stand and create more issues, she decided to just bitch and moan to me, knowing that I fully understand and knowing that, in the past, I have done the same to avoid creating any issues.

My mother then asked me why I hate my sister so much.  She asked me why I have to cause trouble for her.

That's right kids.  A problem between my sisters because my fault.

I calmly tore into my mother.  I explained the situation, explained that my younger sister cares not a lick about anyone but herself and that my mother was still protecting her.  I made a comment about the dysfunctional family and my mother said ours was no different than any other family.

I laughed.

Then I explained that a daughter abandoning her husband every weekend so she could tan by her mommy's pool is dysfunctional.  I explained that his spending each weekend with his soon to be divorced buddy is going to lead to his leaving my sister and, before my mom could say it, I said "and the fact that you are happy about that is sad and dysfunctional too."

I told my mother that the environment my niece and nephew are growing up in is unhealthy, that even my kids know that there's serious issues being made far worse by the actions and inaction of my sister and my parents and I didn't want my kids to grow up thinking this kind of shit was normal.

I then finished with the printer and told my mom I was going for a swim.  She said she wanted to discuss this further and I told her I was done with it.  I told her that I have managed to extricate myself from this mess and the idea that an issue between my sisters is being blamed on me, by my mother, is proof positive that I am not crazy and as she said something else I raised my hands in the air and said "it isn't about me, it doesn't involve me and it won't impact my life anymore."

Then I went outside and my son wanted to play with me.  This means wrestling with me.  So we hit the grass and he charged me.  I went to sweep the leg and, in the process, we both went down.  In an effort to not land on him, I landed, instead, on my left thumb.  It bent in a manner that should be physically impossible and now I have no left thumb.  It was aching and swollen by the time we get home last night.  This morning, it's like a small pickle, it's throbbing and I can barely move it.  I see a doctor's visit in my future.

To hammer home the manner in which my younger sister operates, she managed to fuck up my evening in a most typical manner.

My wife wanted to get burgers on the way home.  There's a little dive bar right before the highway and she's been dying to go there so we agreed to hit it on the way home.  Then, somehow, my sister decided to join us, with her kids.

She also decided that we should hit the burger joint in town instead.  This meant a 20 minute ride the other way, finding parking, ice cream after dinner and then an extra 20 minutes of driving time home, assuming the normal insane traffic leaving the town was not an issue.

It was.

As we sat down, my sister tells the kids, "order whatever you want, uncle Floogie is treating"

Then, after my son and hers devoured a bowl of cole slaw, she ordered 3 more, along with 3 ears of corn, for the kids.  I told her the cole slaw was not cheap, that her kids wouldn't eat it and the dinners would be out in before the slaw"

"So what?  They want it."

No, so what, I'm paying.

Sure enough, the corn was untouched and the kids were too busy eating their dinners to notice the cole slaw when it was brought out.

My nephew had to pee and his loving mother said "so?  go to the bar, ask where the bathroom is and pee."

He's a very immature 8 year old. 

I took him to the can, disgusted by my sister, yet again.

Then, after the cleared the table, my sister got up to take her daughter to the bathroom.  As the check came, I saw my sister and her daughter outside, walking away from the restaurant. 

Talk about avoiding a check.

I paid for the meal.

All of it. 

The corn.

The untouched slaw.

We left the restaurant and headed towards the ice cream parlor and, sure enough, there's my sister, window shopping.

"How much was it?" she asks.

"Does it matter?   Are you going to pay?"  I shoot back, never stopping my stride.

I give my wife a hundred dollar bill and tell her to get ice cream while I hit the drug store for some bug bite medicine (the restaurant had a mosquito problem in the courtyard and I was chewed relentlessly).

On the ride home my wife tells me how she ordered ice cream for our kids and how my sister's kids were yelling "I want ice cream too" and how my wife told them to tell their mother and then my wife tells me how the woman says "it's $21.50" and my wife stands there, waiting for my sister to say "I got this" and she doesn't so my wife makes a face of disgust and pays for everyone and then, as they're leaving the store my sister makes some comment about how she wanted to pay and my wife says "no you didn't, if you did, you'd have paid."

Instead of getting home at 9, which we would have, had we gone where we wanted, we got home just before midnight.

A perfect ending to a perfect weekend.

1 comment:

Trenton said...

Sounds like another normal weekend for ya Floogin...

It's nice that you can tell your family the truth in such an outright fashion; I think it's healthy. The fact that they refuse to listen though, well that's not so healthy.

The way I handle things is to cover for them if they truly need the help. Otherwise, I make no bones about asking them to cover their end of things. It's only right that they pay their own way! I don't think that anyone has a right to demand that I cover things for them, family especially!! That's just downright rude.

Maybe it's the youth in me talkin', but I'd be for either puttin' my foot down on some things, or puttin' it up against some asses in a freaking hurry! That entitlement bullshit just drives me crazy. I dunno how you or your wife put up with it myself.

You're a bigger man than myself I suppose. I hope I can learn that kind of compassion as I age.

Trent :-)