Wednesday, June 23, 2010

What Have I done?

So I had some server issues and, in the course of getting things fixed, I learned that my employees computers were all screwy thanks to their internet surfing.  So, I did what any good employer would do, I put in all kinds of security measures.

And, in the process, I removed my ability to surf for porn.



That's right, I'm now without porn.  Now, I'm not shy about admitting that I derive pleasure from seeing naked women.  On the contrary, it's something I find hard to live without.  Being married, I get myself a peek from time to time but, thanks to two young children, the opportunities to enjoy the view, as it were, are few and far between.  I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a bit of solo flying at home and now, my office, my sacred room for self pleasure, is void of all nudity.

I tried opening a few of my favorites, to no avail.  I get this big old blocked message instead.

It's been almost a week now and my testicles are the size of softballs, begging for release.  We're in the midst of a heat wave so the maneggs are running from the warmth of my body, leaving me with doggy balls that have become almost painfull to walk with.  I'm unsure what I am going to do about it but I do know that the first woman to touch my junk will run the risk of being hit with a fire hose of spunk.

Sure, I could ask the tech guy to unlock the porn but, seriously, how do I do that without coming off as a perv. 

"Hey, do you think you could unlock the following sites for me?  www.sluttytollbooths.com www.kissmypussygrits.com and www.kinkykittylovers.com "

Yeah, that'll go over real well.

I guess I could ask the guy for a lesson in how to use the program but, knowing me, I'll fuck something up and wind up having him come back to remove the wallpaper of cocks on my pc.

So, instead, I'm living like I'm 12.  I'm sifting through tame shit, trying to get a rise out of my needy McNoogin.  I found myself scanning my wife's In Style magazine for material, to no avail.  Then, this morning, over coffee, I found it.
New York Magazine. 

No shit.  The current issue has Helen Mirren in it, topless.  Sure, she's ancient and wrinkly and british but nipples are showing, my mind has been deprived of nipples and it didn't take much.

That's right, I jerked it to Helen Mirren.

And I liked it.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like what you need is some warm apple pie.

Someone You Don't Know said...

i take offence at the "british" bit...like that's a turn off.

Still, as always...funny stuff.

Floogin McNoogin said...

warm apple pie? I'd hit it

Floogin McNoogin said...

and visions of Austin Powers dance in my head

Anonymous said...

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Trenton said...

Something disturbing this way comes...

Seriously though, for her age, Helen looks pretty good. There's a good portion of the female population her age that can't say the same. I'd certainly hit her before I hit the warm apple pie, that's for DAMNED sure!! LOL

Trent :-)

Floogin McNoogin said...

what kind of assignement could you be working on that utilizes my misery?