Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Sex Toys

I was out with friends the other night and one of them tells a story of his night in a Vegas brothel.  He went there for a bachelor party, no intention of actually doing anything with the hookers but, as the night went on, he was prodded by one particular lady, to accompany her up to her room.  Once there, she convinced him that a blow job would be a nice, simple way of getting off without spending too much money.  He agreed, pricing was discussed and the games began.

She opened a cabinet that was filled with toys and she offered him the option of having her use a toy on him.  He explained that he was new to all this, that he was accustomed to having a woman suck his dick with her mouth and that the only variation he knew of was a hand on the shaft whilst she was working.

The hooker said that she had toys that would enhance the experience and she suggested anal beads.  He said he'd give it a shot and she worked the beads in his ass as she blew him.  As he was about to cum, she yanked on that cord like she was starting a lawnmower and what happened next was mind blowing.  He started peeing.  Everywhere.  He couldn't control it.  The fact that he was rock hard only made it worse.  He ran around, screaming like a crazy man, pissing all over her bed, her floor and her walls. 

He was mortified.

Then, another friend, told a tale of how he was hooking up with a woman he met at a party and as he was going down on her, she asked if he wanted to use a toy.  He said sure.  Who wouldn't?  Having a woman offer up a vibrator while you go down on her is like being told you can take the front car at your favorite roller coaster.  It's great anywhere but suddenly, somehow, it's even better.

She hands him the vibe and goes to town on her.  Then, after she came, she told him she wanted to fuck him and he was more than happy to oblige her.  As he moved towards her, positioning himself over her, she took hold of his cock and suddenly he felt something strange going on down there.  He looked down and she had slipped a cock ring on him.

This is where I stopped him.  She slipped her cock ring on him. She had a fucking cock ring in her drawer, for men to use.  This means there was a high probability that the ring on the guy's dick was on another man's dick as well.  I then turned to the dude with the piss nightmare and asked him if he even considered the nastiness of anal beads being used in his ass that, at one time or another, were in someone else's ass as well.

Now, I'm sure that the hooker cleans the toys she uses on herself and others but the amateur?  How can you be sure?  Does that make it any better?  Does it being clean take away from the fact that you are, basically, rubbing asses and cocks with other men by proxy?

Not for me.  This knowledge, this little tidbit would be enough to send me running for the hills.  Not only would the concept of used sex toys freak me out, what kind of woman keeps a cock ring in her drawer when she's single?  How often has she needed one that she went and bought it?

I know that I ruined these funny stories, that they are now tainted with a hint of nasty but, still, was I wrong?


G said...

ahhhhhh,no not wrong,ahh ahhhh, but the thought of used sex toys in you or on you with god knows what maybe butt bead mites or ring lobsters is fucking wicked!

its almost 9pm here and after my vodka binge i dont need any coffee to watch the movie with the lady after that entry awesome i loved it

take care wish the best to you and mostly your buddies

Floogin McNoogin said...

Nice to hear that my tale of used ass beads was well received. I'm sure your lady thinks differently but, hey, she has to sleep next to you, not me.

Anonymous said...

Nasty McLovin for sure.

Now, I've never bedded a strange man, but if I did jump into bed with one and he plucked some vibe out of his nightstand, three things would come barreling to mind.

1). Whose ass has it been in?
2). Whose ass does he think it's gonna go in now?
3). I'd likely break my neck while beating feet out of the fucking place like Scooby-Doo character.

I may come fast, but I go even faster, and that scenario when do it like no other.

Floogin McNoogin said...

I would think that a man with a vibe would be even stranger but, oddly enough, there was a time when I had one. My fraternity hell night consisted of a variety of things, one of which was a scavenger hunt while in drag. One of the objects on my group's list was a vibe (dual speed or greater for bonus points). Another was a picture of another member of my group mooning Bourbon Street from inside a store so, while my brothers were working on the picture, I was tasked with getting the vibe and distracting the salesman. Turns out he liked me. Asked me out and swore he wasn't gay. Go figure. Anyway, he gave me the vibe and, for reasons unknown, I kept it and forgot about it. 4 years later, I graduated, moved back up north and brought the unused toy with me. I had broken up with my college girlfriend and wound up taking her to a concert I had promised her so, on the way there we stopped by my house and she attacked me. I opted for the post break up sex and, whilst going down on her, reached into the drawer, dug around, found the box, took out the vibe and found that the batteries still worked. That was the only time I used it she didn't seem too shocked when she felt that wonderful little buzzing on her button.

Were it me, I'd have hit the ceiling, wondering why the fuck a vibe was even available, let alone being eased inside me.