Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Grizzly McNoogin and Sex and the City

I grew a beard.  It wasn't intentional but the reaction has been surprisingly good so, for now, it stays.

I didn't shave for a few days and then, rather than take it all off, I trimmed it up, landscaped it and wore it for a day.  Surprisingly, my wife, the kids, the sitter and everyone else I came across expressed their belief that I looked good with the grizzly.  So, for the third week now, I'm known around the house as red beard (it's got a reddish tint to it).  I was all set to shave it this morning since it's getting hot here and a facepelt in the summer is about as dumb as one can go but, last night, something happened that has me thinking that, perhaps, suffering from the layer of fur might not be a bad idea.

I went to the movie theater to pick up gift cards for my son's teachers and the theater I chose was showing Sex and the City 2 at 10:10.  I didn't know this or I wouldn't have gone when I did.  Anyway, I got there around ten and walked up to the booth to purchase my cards.  In front of me were two fairly decent looking women.  They were cracking up over something and one of the women leaned in to tell the poor bastard in the booth what she wanted tickets for.

"I want to see sex at 10:10" she said, and burst into peals of laughter.  Her friend followed suit.

The friend turned to me and told me to tell him I wanted to watch sex at 10:10.  She laughed, I laughed, her friend laughed, the teller guy frowned. 

While the girls were paying, I called my wife to make sure this theater was a good one for the cards.  I'd hate to buy movie passes for someone who wouldn't be able to find a theater where she lived.  So, I'm on the phone with the wife and I tell her what chain it is and then she asks me a question and I tell her I was thinking of hanging around so I could watch sex at 10:10 with two women.  One of the women cracks up and says "no, you're going to have sex with two women at 10:10.  I pull the phone away from my mouth and tell her that I need to ease her into the possibility that I'm getting some.

The girls crack up.  I crack up.  The teller frowns.  My wife makes a noise that is a cross between "asshole" and "fuck you."

I hang up the phone and step up to the teller to tell him what I want.  While he's processing the first card, one of the women I was having a laugh with comes back from the escalator and walks up to me. 

"Are  you going to watch sex at 10:10?"  she asks.

I tell her I wasn't planning on it.  She then tells me they were going to wait for me so I didn't have to sit alone.  I tell her I appreciate the offer but my wife is at home, waiting for me and, if I'm lucky, I'll be having sex at 10:10.

She says something about my not wearing a ring and, therefore, her thinking I was available and then the girl spins on her heels and walks away.  As she goes up the escalator I hear her say "shame, you could've had sex with two women at midnight."

The dude taking the tickets laughs and says, in a thick, Indian accent, you really fucked that up my friend.

Apparently, I did.

It takes the teller guy about 10 minutes to accomplish the transaction.  This is probably a result of his being mildly retarded.  I think it's great that the theater is letting the mentally challenged work the booth but, seriously, when you hand them an American Express card and they ask if it's a Mastercard and you say "no, it's American Express, it's written across the card" and he says "it isn't working, you sure it's Mastercard" and we play that game for several minutes before the ticket taker shouts something in Urdu or Pushtu or whatever, then, perhaps, the mentally challenged should be shovelling the popcorn or working some other, less intensive task.

Anyway, the guy finally finished and, as I exited the lobby, I was met with the prior showing's crowd.  The theater was fairly full and, with the exception of one man and his extremely unhappy, somewhat stunned looking son, it was all women.  Why a man brought his son to see a movie about 4 promiscuous women who head to the middle east to fuck men is beyond me but he did.

Anyway, I'm standing outside the theater, calling my friend, who's single and recently relocated to NYC to tell him to start hanging around movie theaters that are showing Sex and the City and I'm explaining that the crowd is 99% women, they're all dressed like the trollops from movie and, presumably, after watching their idols slut it up on screen, they're in the mood for some flirtatious banter.

This is further hammered home when, in the course of 7 minutes, three different women, from three different groups, approach me to bum a smoke off me.  I comply with each of them and take note of the insanely high heels, ridiculously short skirts and general night club attire that these women have opted to wear to a movie.

I promise my friend that I will hang around a theater with him one night this week and, as I'm leaving, I'm approached by two women who want to know if I know of a good bar in the area to have a drink.  I look at them and tell them that I don't know of anything that might interest them since they're dressed for something far fancier than I'd suggest.  They giggle and tell me they want casual, a place where someone in shorts, tee shirt and flip flops can get in.  I ask why they'd want that and one of them says "so you can join us."

I laugh and tell them I appreciate the interest but I'm heading home.  I then ask them what it is that has generated the interest. 

"The beard"  they both say in unison.

I smile and head home.  I tell my wife about my adventure and she tells me that, yes, indeed, the beard is rather sexy.  I tell her that, given my new found sex appeal, why don't we hit the bedroom.  Then I kiss her.

She pulls back with a look on her face that would be something akin to my cutting her during sex.

I ask her what's wrong and she tells me that kissing me is painful.

I tell her I'm shaving in the morning and she says not to, says it looks so good.

So, I'm bearded, looking great and, apparently, untouchable.

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