Sunday, February 21, 2010

Day Two...

Day two started with breakfast. If Guinness had a record for largest accumulation of crappy food, this would be it. The food, in general, on the boat, made airplane food look good. This is a result of the boat not using flames to cook anything. No propane on the boat as it's an explosion hazard. The eggs were of the not egg variety. the bacon was not from a pig. The pancakes looked like ancient yarmulkes. It was bad.

After we ate I headed to the excursion desk to see about things to do in Nassau (our port for the day) and to book a fishing trip in Key West.

I was all set to book the trip for myself, my son, my brother in law and his son when the woman I was talking to told me my son was too young. Too young? That's right. The fact that he's bigger than most 7 year olds didn't matter. The fact that he has been fishing since he's 2 didn't matter. His age was on the manifest and the rules stated that he had to be 5.

So much for fishing.

It was too cold to do the dolphin swim or the snorkeling so we opted for the glass bottom boat. We grabbed our kids and supplies for the onshore adventure and headed to the dock. We were greeted with a sea of even fatter people. Carnival had a boat docked on the other side of the pier and their passengers could eat our passengers for breakfast. Literally.

We found our group, a mix of both cruise lines, and headed to the boat. We boarded the boat and a nice young man from the island started talking into a microphone about how he was going to alert us to points of interest along the way to the shallow reef. He said we'd see houses owned by famous people, former nude beaches and the hospital where Anna Nicole Smith's son died. My nipples were hard with anticipation.

As we pulled out from the dock, our guide said that he needed a few people to move to the other side of the boat to level us off. I looked back. A family of 3, with a combined weight well over a thousand pounds was sitting behind us. More than half the boat had to switch sides to level us off.

We saw Nic Cage's house. Charlie Chaplin's house. Barry Bond's house. Michael Jordan's house. The former nude beach and the hospital where Anna Nicole Smith's son died. People took pictures of them all. Why? I couldn't say.

We drifted over the reef and saw a few fish. Nothing spectacular but that's to be expected in a shallow, man made reef of mostly dead corals. The bulk of the reefs in the area died a few years ago. No reason. Just a massive die off.

My son was fairly interested in this and we pointed out fish and corals and he even recognized some of the undersea life as something we've had in our tank or seen in stores.

Then we went out onto the deck so the fat fucks could get downstairs and see the reef. My son was handed some bread and the real fun began. He was feeding the fish and loving it.

We got back to the dock and decided to wander thru the town a bit and grab some lunch. We ate a fairly decent meal in a restaurant in town. Mahi Mahi and grouper and the kids loved it.

I found out that codeine is sold over the counter in Nassau and grabbed some pills to make the rest of the trip more enjoyable.

We wandered around the town, I almost bought a very hard to find Rolex. Limited edition watch that is impossible to locate in NY. We wound up back on the boat around 5:30 and we had to rush to get ready for the next feeding. Nobody in our little group of men was hungry but we couldn't miss the meal because it was the captain's dinner. This is a meal where they suggest you don tuxedos and formal wear. I fought with my wife about it when we packed. I told her I didn't think it was necessary to wear a jacket. She won the fight and so we all put on jackets and fancy clothes and went to sit and stare at shitty food.

We told the kids to avoid telling anyone we had just eaten. We knew we'd get an earful for feeding the kids off the boat, right before this big, important meal. So, when he was asked what he wanted to eat, my son said "nothing, I just ate" and my mother in law went ballistic. "You ate off the ship? Why didn't you come back for lunch and then go back to the town?"

Um, because we wanted to eat edible food?

My mother in law complained about the dessert selection. No chocolate? How could there be no chocolate. It was bad enough that they didn't have shrimp and lobster for the dinner but this was an outrage.

She bitched so much that the head waiter had to come over and explain that there would be chocolate desserts on other nights. It didn't matter to her. She was not happy and, she said, she'd be putting this in her survey.

My mother in law then explained to us how she keeps a list of all the things she doesn't like so she can complain about them later. She does this all the time. Every meal I've ever had with her in a restaurant involves her complaining about at least one thing, with the hope she can get something knocked off the bill. It's embarrassing and I'm shocked my wife, or her sister, even dine out with the woman anymore.

When dinner was over we had about an hour to kill before the show they wanted to see was starting so my wife went with her mother to the captain's cocktail party. They did this because my mother in law couldn't miss the passed hors d'oeuvres. The woman is all about free food. Never miss a meal, never pay when you can get it for free. The kids were all playing video games so I hit the casino for about 45 minutes. Won about $150. The winnings gave me enough happiness to tide me over during the horrific show we had to endure. A group of low rent performers singing and dancing to disco hits from the 70's. My son sat on my lap, asking why he was being punished. I explained that he wasn't, that we were doing things, as a family, because that is what families do.

When the show ended, the game plan was to put the kids to bed, the oldest would stay in the room with my son and the other two would go with my mother in law to her room, where they were sleeping.

Problem was, it was 10:30 and my mother in law didn't want to go to bed until after the midnight buffet. That's right, more food.

She finally caved and the kids and my mother in law went to bed.

Back to the casino, this time with the women. We all tapped out in about 30 minutes. I lost my buck fifty. My brother in law lost two bills (one for him, one for his wife) and my wife tore thru my hundred bucks in not time at all.

We hit the midnight buffet, not to eat, but, rather, to see the scene.

fucking comical. All these fatties shoving more of the same shit down their throats. It became clear to me that the same food was being served at every meal. The breakfast ham was renamed for dinner but it was the same gray slab of dried flesh and so on.

The next day was Coco Cay. This is a private island, owned by the cruise line. Tons of activities on the island. Snorkeling, swimming, water slides, beach games, a barbecue, etc. I climbed into my coffin with a mild amount of excitement over the prospect of a day on the beach, swimming in the clear, green waters of the Caribbean.

day three tomorrow.


AccessDenied said...

Keep it coming honey..ya'll know I'm totally enthralled.
I'll send you some bottlecaps when you get home.

Floogin McNoogin said...

one a day unless I feel that the insanity is no longer showing in the retelling. Then I'm gonna blast it all out at once.

No bottle caps. I'm still reeling from inhaling three boxes of root beer and cola missing boxes and I've got the replacement coupon sitting in my pocket in case I get the urge to dive into another box or three.