Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Revenge, Floogin Style

I put up with a lot of shit, primarily because I can't be bothered with things but, from time to time, something done to me gets on my nerves enough that I retaliate.  When I do, it's usually childish and cruel.

So, this past week, I was pushed, once again, by an associate and the situation called for a bold statement.

I was happy to oblige.

Some background first.

I share office space with a few other accounting firms.  One of them is nothing more than one person.  He's been with us for 15 years.  He's a friend, as well as a business acquaintance.  He was at my wedding, as well as my sister's and he's, generally, a great guy.

But he's cheap.

Over the years, his frugality has been accepted and understood.  He's eccentric and odd and his cheapness is one more quirk that I've learned to live with because, at the end of the day, he pays his share without question.  Getting there, at times, can be a chore.

In the past, I've been forced to open his eyes to his cheapness.  Usually, I do this in a manner befitting a man child.  This associate, who's rather inept when it comes to technology, has had to call in a client, who's business is tech support, to help remove all the gay porn wallpapers and whatnot from his laptop and desk top.  He also had to explain to his girlfriend why he was getting gay porn magazines sent to his home, and hers, all subscriptions in his name, of course.

He's had to spend days trying to locate the dead fish and dead snails rotting in various spots in his office.

He's found dirty diapers in his file cabinets.

He's found rotting sandwiches in his desk drawers.

Basically, he's been the butt end of a childish prank or two.

Well, today I stepped it up a notch.  I took him into the realm of grownup hazing.

Every month, the rent bill comes and, since the lease is in my company's name, I pay the rent.  Everyone who sublets from me, pays me on time.  Not him.  He makes me wait.  It's a game he likes to play.  He'll be here, working in the office for a week and, on the last day, he'll tell me he sent the rent via his bank's online paying system.  He could have written the check and handed it to me, or given it to my secretary but that would mean paying me sooner, rather than later, and that's not part of his game.

So, September's rent came on the 30th.  He had been her quite a bit this past month and, yet, he still felt the need to push it with me, regardless my telling him, repeatedly, to write the fucking check.

Now it's October and I told him that I wasn't going to stand for his bullshit with the rent this month.  I asked him to write the check, he said he would.  Yesterday came and went, no check.  Today he tells me he did the online payment thing this morning.  I asked him if he set some far off date as the date of mailing and he smiled his evil little smile and said he can't remember.

Payback time.

He has a client that he felt would be better managed if I worked with her.  She's an entertainer and I have more experience in that arena and she needs more hand holding than he has patience for so I said I'd be more than happy to work on the account for him.  He splits her fee with me, 50/50.  Normally, when he gets paid and owes me a cut, he plays around a bit, tries to discount the fee if he gives me cash etc.

Well, today she came in to sign her taxes and I had her write the check to me, personally. Since he was running late, he asked me to meet with a couple of other clients, who were coming in to sign returns and pay bills.  They, too, were told to make the checks out, not to his company, but to me, or my company.

They all obliged.

When the last client left, I photocopied the checks, attached them to the appropriate bills, went to the bank, deposited the money into my personal and corporate accounts, made copies of the deposit slips, attached them to the copies on his desk and added a small note about payback being a huge, motherfucking, ugly bitch.

All told, I'm now holding over ten thousand dollars which is not mine. 

He walked in a little while ago, saw the pile of papers on his desk, came into my office and told me it wasn't funny.

I laughed and explained that, from my desk, where I saw, it was, just about, the funniest fucking thing I've seen all week.

He told me to cut him a check for the money, I explained that I don't write checks anymore, only do them online and, since the bank has yet to approve my online check writing, I'm stuck waiting for the approval but, rest assured, as soon as I can write it, I will and I will do it so the checks are mailed out as timely as possible, hopefully, before the end of the year.

No longer is it a question of revenge, it's now a question of how long do I want to fuck with him.

I'm thinking a while, a long, long, motherfucking while.


Anonymous said...

Careful Floogin! He might take your pranks as flirting.

Or worse - foreplay.

Floogin McNoogin said...

While I do feel that I am an incredible catch and everyone wants to have their fare share of McNoogin, he's straight and, far as I can tell, he would never act on the primal urges that keep him up at night.

Trenton said...

I dunno man, that IS an awful lot of money. I hear some people will do some pretty disgusting things for cash.

Trent :P

Floogin McNoogin said...

it is a lot of money and he'll get it back. Eventually.

I can always deduct my rent from it, ensuring I get paid on time.

Anonymous said...

This is Ricky, I want my fucking money.

Floogin McNoogin said...

you're gonna need to do better than that Ricky. I'm holding it for at least another two weeks.

Trenton said...

Anyone got some popcorn? I think this is gonna be entertaining!

Trent :-)