Monday, August 02, 2010

Surgery And The Loss Of The Thumb

Friday was surgery day.  It went well.  Fast, painless, no big deal.  I left the hospital with a dead arm.  Literally.  It was hanging there, useless, swinging in a sling.  No feeling at all.  The surgeon told me it would regain feeling in about 12 hours and it would feel like a bad paper cut.

He was right.  Sort of.

Feeling returned in about 3 or 4 hours.  Tingles at first.  Then a dull ache in the thumb.  Nothing too bad.  Then, after another hour or two, I felt the paper cut.  The doctor was right.  Just like a paper cut.  If the paper was 8 inch thick cardboard. 

I was in serious pain but I was armed to the teeth with pain killers.

They don't work.  They make you feel better about the pain, more accepting but it still hurts. like a bitch.

Sleep?  Doesn't happen.  I need to elevate the hand so I'm in an awkward position to begin with.  I'm dreaming of leaches on my hand and I wake up screaming as a result of my shaking those leaches off.

I bang the hand, ever so gently, and the "paper cut" flares up like a mother fucker.

And forget doing anything.  My son puts my deodorant on for me.  My wife washes my right arm and any other unreachable parts of my body.  She has already shown me that I can reach my cock, so there's none of that in store either.

I can't get my kids food or drinks, my wife had to cut my pork chop for me.

I'm a total, miserable, fucking waste of space and, saddest of all, I'm typing this with one hand and I'm not using the other for hand for biblical sins.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wasn't exactly the loss of a thumb. But it could've been worse; could've been yer fuck finger.