Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Odd Job Selection

I went to the dentist for a cleaning yesterday. I did this after a 3 vodka lunch and after I ran into a college friend who, upon hearing I was headed to the dentist, handed me a percocet which I promptly ate.

So, as I sat in the chair, drool on my chin, fingers in my mouth, metal scraping and poking my teeth and gums, I realized, if I ever met someone and they said they were a dental hygienist, I'd punch them in the mouth. I mean it. Who the fuck wants a job that entails sticking their hands in people's mouths? Do they get off on administering pain? Are they some twisted Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors? Do they get off poking your gums, making you bleed? Is this their outlet to avoid slicing up neighborhood pets or people? Are dental hygienists, and denstist while we're at it, actually serial killers who "have it under control?"

I never understood how people wound up with their professions. Sure, you're desperate, you need the cash, you take a job that isn't glamorous. That is understandable and that is noble but dental hygienst? Dentists? That requires schooling. That requires thought and planning. That isn't a simple "I need the money, I guess I'll take that job as a dental hygiensist." No, you need to work for that job. Training. To administer pain. Odd.

Odder still, who the fuck grows up thinking "I want to stick my finger in people's asses for a living." At what point does a child, or college student stop and think "EUREKA!!! I want to be a proctologist?"

Who the hell wants to be surrounded by that much stink eye? Who the hell wants to spend their life staring into the starfish abyss? The only people I know who like to be around assholes are other assholes.

Ever meet a proctologist? Ever meet a dental hygienist or a dentist? I'm not talking about as a patient or in an office of doctors, I'm talking about a dinner party or at the market. No. You haven't. Know why? They're fucking embarrassed to admit that they like to cause pain for a living of stick their fingers in your ass for a living.

Think about it. You're in the market, you ask the nice guy next to you to hand you a can of peas. He does. You get to talking, he says he's an ass doctor and what do you do? You put the peas he touched back on the shelf and you make a beeline for the hand sanitizer section.

Imagine being married to a proctologist. Sitting at the table, having dinner, thinking "fuck, I need to get up, walk over there and get the salt because there's no way I'm letting asshands over there touch my food."

Can you have sex with a proctologist without losing the mood every time you think of all the asses his or her fingers have been in? And when he or she goes down on you and starts dancing the double knuckle shuffle, do you think "oh man, this is great" or "my cock is in her mouth and she's checking my prostate." Seriously, think about it. If they normally stick their finger in assholes, feeling around for issues, when they slip old excalibur in there for some added pleasure, isn't one part of them thinking "hey, that doesn't feel right" or "wow, I should tell them their prostate feels very healthy but I'll wait until I swallow this load."

Gross, I know but is it any different than being with a psychiatrist? You know they are analyzing ever word you say. You know it and they know it. Ever been around shrinks? Their families are, usually, the most fucked up. Imagine growing up with a psychiatrist for a parent. Always talking about things like there's some underlying oedipal issue or some jeungian concept that needs to be addressed when, in reality, the issue is that you are a teenager, you smoked too much dope and tried to deal with dad when you should have been in your room, listening to the dead.


foxy roxy said...

As disturbing as that sounds, things could be worse.

A dentist who moonlights as a proctologist.

Just hope the one who reaches around inside your mouth washes his hands after creating a wmd in a small space, or didn't just finish checking the hygienist's prostate between patients.

I could go on, but I won't.

Anonymous said...

Always come here for a good chuckle.
Far more Freud than anything in this post.
I'm thinking sex with a proctologist would depend on which partner had that as a profession. Might be good, might be bad.
How do you think a woman feels when her husband is an Ob/ Gyn?
No matter how much she puts out , it'll never be as much pussy as he gets at work.
Side note..nothing more horrible than a Gyn exam whilst the doctor is whistling away a happy tune, and the nurse is watching.
Makes you want to keep your legs closed forever afterwards.

Anonymous said...

Forgot to add to previous post..
Foxy Roxy...BLECH.
I seriously just puked up my lunch.
F'n nasty.

Anonymous said...

ok Floogin, my turn to make you chuckle for a change....

"Of all the professions we fear, one stands out. No, it’s not
“mortician;” by then it’s too late. This is a word that makes a
certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation. Yes, the word is
“proctologist;” the dreaded p-word! The mere mention of the word
strikes terror deep inside most of us. 9 1/2 of every 10 adults
would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger. (Source: I
Made It Up Survey) The other half is into that sort of thing.

Proctologist; from the Greek meaning “pain in the ass.” Did you
ever wonder who was the first proctologist? My research shows it was
Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
boldly go where no one had gone before, “I think I’ll devote my life
to making people as uncomfortable as possible… since dentistry is
taken, I’ll start at the other end.”

Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
After a hardy handshake, you discover he’s a proctologist. Even wash-
ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your
left hand. He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, “Doc,
I’ve got this thing right here, can you take a look at it? But he’s
one person who’s seen more assholes than you’d find at a political

Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many
jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here. I have given a
considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve
people’s concept of these doctors of the down under.

o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica-
tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have
their fingernails removed.
o The proctologist’s genitals shall literally be placed in the hands
of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may
exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.
o Proctologist’s advertising shall NOT include phrases like:
“Let our fingers do the walking.”
“We’ll bend over backwards for you.”
“Please, take my seat.”
“We give ‘Moon over Miami’ a hole new meaning.”
“It looks like the End.”
o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers
“I can’t place my finger on it, butt you look familiar.”
“Don’t have a seat, I’ll be right with you.”
“Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They’ll never believe THIS one!”
“Yes, I see a family resemblance.”
“Hmmmm, looks like you’re a quart low.”
“The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that…”
“Out of K-Y Jelly? Oh well, let’s do a dry run.”
“I’m putting you on a low-bean diet.”
“Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove.”
“How long have you had this crack in your butt?”
“I see you had pizza last night.”
“When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?”
“Ah, you must be gay.”
“Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?”
“Ooops, I think I lost my watch.”
“I’ve never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!”
“If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my bill.”
“Gee, I hope I can get this out.”
“When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?”
“Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?”

Floogin McNoogin said...

Roxy: Going from ass to mouth is a revered moment in porn. Not my cup o' tea but I never did get the desire to see things go the wrong way back there.

Anon 1: I remember, as a kid, guys would say they wanted to be an ob-gyn to be surrounded by pussy all day long. They don't know what it's like to look at infections and other such nasty things and, when combined with the lovely flower, you've destroyed another image. I'd be a proctologist over an ob-gyn every time.

anon 2, assuming you are different from anon above, let me give the link to that joke so I don't upset anyone:

Laura said...

That was my thought anon, to be married to an ob/gyn would be awful. And go figure the wife of mine is his assistant, that is weird as well.

Dental hygenists are a breed of their own, mine a male, is a sadist for sure and I think it may have gotten worse when I started to bring my ipod so I didn't have to listen to his born again speeches about evolution etc. (no offense to the born agains)

My mother in law was a dental hygenist...says a lot I figure.....