Thursday, October 02, 2008

Floogin Gives Birth

So, I don't eat carbs. Most people know this. I lost a lot of weight thanks to the no carb/low carb diet and I liked how I felt. Not just the slimmer body but the whole internal thing as well. No more food coma, more energy, less gas etc.

There is a downside to the no carb diet. Pooping becomes an event. So, this morning, after a 3 day gestation period, I suddenly went felt a contraction. "This is it" I said to myself. I grabbed my pre-packed poop kit (newspaper) and headed to the can.

Yay! the middle stall is empty.

I sit down and tell myself to breath. Hee Hee Hoo Hoo, just like we learned in lamaze class. The cramps come. I feel the sweat starting to bead up on my body. It's crowing I shout to no one in particular.

"shut the fuck up" I am told in return. Must not have noticed the guy in the birthing stall next to mine.

Hee Hee Hoo Hoo I breath. I hear a flush from the shut the fuck up guy.

Congratulations! I shout.

"fucking weirdo" he says back. No thank you, no well wishes for me. Oh well, he must be exhausted.

Hee Hee Hoo Hoo
sweat ribulet twist and weave down my back.
Hee Hee Hoo Hoo
Beads of sweat weave thru my hair, across my scalp like little spiders.
my intestines feel like they are straightening out.
a clunk and a splash. Did I drop my watch in the toilet?

I lift up, look in and hear "daddy?"

Tears of joy stream down my face. I whip out my cell and start snapping pictures. Gotta capture the moment.

Much as I want to, I am not going to post the pictures here. I will hold out until one of the tabloids is willing to make a sizeable donation to the Floogin McNoogin Foundation. Once they pony up, the world will officially meet Poopin McFloogin

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