Cold Can Conundrum

I'm going back to the bathroom for a bit.

I've said this before, there's a certain amount of courtesy needed when you share a bathroom with several offices. Things like, don't piss all over the seat, don't leave a big, titanic dump half in, half out of the bowl etc.

Then there's the courtesy flush. Even my 3 year old knows about the courtesy flush. He better since I am always stuck sitting with him when he poops. The smell is comical. He's not a small kid but he's still only 3 and a half. His shit stinks like a rotting corpse's farts. Ok, take a moment and ponder that. Gagging? There you go.

So, my boy knows to hit the handle and alleviate the noxious odors in the room.

Most men know this but our public bathrooms have autoflushers. They work great when you get up. Usually. I still haven't figured out how I can open a stall and be greeted by a leaning tower of poop. The shit itself should set off the auto flusher. Giant turd, bobbing and weaving in the water, the toilet should flush repeatedly, until the dumpire state building slowly slips down beneath the water.

But it doesn't and it is a mystery that needs to be studied. Stonehenge, Atlantis, Roswell, invisible men making massive shits not triggering the auto flusher.

Anyway, the courtesy flush. Since there are no handles and, even if there were, nobody likes touching things in a public bathroom, the courtesy flush often goes by the wayside.

Instead, a gentleman, knowing he's about to create a wmd in a small space, will open a window. This is done all the time and it is greatly appreciated.

So, I'm back to the no carb thing for a spell so I won't worry about shitting for a while and, if I do, there won't be an odor so I am completely free of this issue. But I'm peeing all the time. Well, not all the time. I'm not sitting in soaked pants or anything but I do have to pee and I did pee 20 minutes ago and I will have to pee a bunch more before I head home and what the fuck, where the hell is this going anyway.

Oh, yeah, so I have to pee. Badly. So I race into the bathroom and I open door and I'm greeted by a horrible stench and a blast of arctic air. Someone took a dump, opened the window to air it out and left. So the smell stayed and the 7 degree temperature infiltrated the bathroom.

My fingers were blue from the cold and I could barely move them but I managed to unzip my fly and I reached inside and..what the fuck...where's...my....dick?

So cold the little fucker must've inverted. So, I'm standing there, feeling around like a blind man searching for a nickle in a pile of change....hair....leg....leg....maybe it moved down more, nope, that's ass....what the hell...is that?...Fuck, I have a vagina?

My dick inverted itself, grabbed the balls and headed behind my spleen.

So, there I am, standing at the urinal, my legs spread, my arm, elbow deep in my fly, feeling what amounts to a flat area where my penis should be. Now, it's not a big penis. It isn't tiny but it isn't bragging rights big or anything. It works. Well, it used to. Not so sure anymore.

So, I closed the window and stood by the radiator, both hands in my pants trying to coax the little guy back out when someone walks into the bathroom. He looks at me, shakes his head and says "might be better if you jerked off in the stall."


I've been at my desk for an hour now. I've had a large cup of starbucks nestled between my legs for the same hour. I've been viewing porn. Good porn. Still no sign of my mcnoogin. The ice cold combined with the humiliation of being caught with my hands in my pants has resulted in, I fear, a permanent mangina.

Fortunately, I wasn't using it anyway.