Doctors Suck and As The Wife Turns.

So, let's see, I finally found a doctor who takes insurance and can see me in 2009. Everyone I called started off with "we don't take insurance and our next appointment is in 2013."

These doctors are the equivalent of the velvet rope night clubs. Nobody is being let inside and then, when you get inside, there's nobody there. Exclusivity so stringent that you feel compelled to pay out of your own pocket for services that other doctors will perform and bill your insurance directly for? Interesting concept. Where have I heard of someone who refuses admittance to almost everyone? Someone who rejects people without hearing their tale? Someone who's inner group was so select, so secretive, so fucking desirable that people were willing to skip the formalities of actually bothering to see if they knew what they were doing? Someone who created such a legendary myth that people blindly turned themselves over to him?

That's right, Bernie Madoff, Ponz Scum. Thanks for reminding me. By the way, that's my term but you can use it. Not like anyone would ever give me credit for anything.

My wife is spending her first day at home today. She spent the first 3 days of her unemployment clearing out her desk. Today, she woke up, took snoogin to school and then called me a few hours later to tell me she hasn't done shit yet and can't figure out what she should do first.

One fucking day without working and she is already becoming one of those women who I hear the old men bitching about on the golf course. OK, I don't play golf but it sounded good.

Here's the deal. My mother has had, as far as I know, two jobs in her life. Both of them were working for her own company, which my dad backed and supported. The first was a retail store with a very well known (back then) fashion designer. So, in essence, my dad's client wanted to open a store, needed money, asked my dad for assistance, he put up the cash and put his wife in the store to watch the investment. Store closed after a year or two. Designer and her boyfriend were drug fiends and other assorted problems, you know the drill.

Job 2, a print shop for higher end artwork. My dad and a client set their wives up with this one. Why? The client was (is) a very famous artist and my dad had many artist clients who needed a place to go for printing so they figured they'd set their wives up to supply the art world. Business lasted a few years, mainly fueled by the husbands' connections.

So, my mom, really never worked. She has no clue what it is like to deal with stress or deadlines or the specter of unemployment. she knows how to ask her husband for money, she knows how to spend it and she knows how sales people treat you well when you are buying. When my mom heard my wife lost her job, her reaction was to call my wife and tell her how sorry she was and how she knew what she was going thru because she "lost her new sunglasses this morning" and she's "devastated!!"

My dad will ask my mom to put gas in the car, pick up his dry cleaning, grab him some food from the takeout they like etc and she never, ever has the time. she does nothing all day but never has the time. So, my dad and I came to the realization that people who don't work have the busiest schedules.

How is this possible.

Think about it. All the time in the world to do the few things you need to do. So, you try to not finish anything, lest you find yourself with nothing to do and, therefore, boredom sets in. Or, perhaps, you simply cannot take on new work because you are so busy doing absolutely nothing that you have no time to spare. This second one might be the case.

Over thanksgiving, my mom was making a big deal about needing to head back to the city early Sunday morning because she "had a ton of things to do." I asked what and she got pissed off and stormed away from the table.

Last night, she was nagging my dad to leave our apartment to get home in time to watch the golden globes. They went on at 8 last night. It was 4:45 when she started nagging. They live 15 minutes away. My wife asked "what's the rush?" to which my mother said "I have to get home for the awards." My wife told her they were in 3 hours and she had plenty of time and my mom said "I have other things to take care of." My dad, playing with his grandson, looked up from the couch and said "no you don't. what could you possibly have to do on a Sunday night?"

Silence.

No more talking from mom.


So, here we go. My wife has been out of work for 3 days but today is the first day out of the office and she hasn't been able to figure out what she should do. The malaise of the non-working woman is setting in.

don't get me wrong. There are plenty of women who don't work who are sharp as tacks, take care of a million things and run a tight ship at home. I respect and applaud all of you. Seriously. I find those kind of women to be very appealing. They are no different than the high powered business women, only they have more sex appeal because most high powered business women I know have decided to release the motherly instinct and, in turn, that certain sex appeal goes with it.

No, I'm talking about the women who don't work, have someone else taking care of the kids, the house etc and have all day to do nothing but shop.

As I was leaving this morning I told my wife she needed to get ahold of the lawyer regarding the severance package, she needs to take our daughter's ipod to the apple store to get it fixed and she needs to go to the market and buy food so she can cook dinner tonight.

The nanny made a comment about how, in six years, she has never seen my wife cook anything. I said I hadn't seen any kitchen work in close to 15 years. My daughter said "mommy knows how to make toast. she usually only burns one piece before getting it right."

So, let's see, call the lawyer, hit the market and hit the apple store. Both stores are 5 minute walks from the apartment and the lawyer is a phone call. she should be done with all three by now.

If I got laid off and had three things to do, The three things would be done by 10 am and I'd be locked in my room with a ton of porn, some food, a bottle of coke zero and some lotion to avoid the chafe for the rest of the day. My wife? still trying to figure out which one to do first. Thus, the nonworking wife syndrome is setting in.

I'm doomed.