She Cooks, She Ruins, She Kills!!!! (almost)

Well, it was bound to happen. The wife actually made a meal.

Sort of.

I spent the better half of yesterday afternoon making cupcakes with my daughter and then a crustless sugar free cheesecake for myself. This is the second time my daughter has requested baking with daddy and it has proven to be a rather fun event. She loves going to the market to get the goodies, she loves mixing and pouring and making the desserts and she loves licking the bowl, as most kids do.

So, we baked. All afternoon.

My wife came home around 6 with my son. They spent the day at a birthday party and then they did some shopping and hit the Children's Museum. A great day, the little man claimed.

Then the wife announced "I'm making dinner."

A cold breeze ran thru the apartment and an eerie music could be heard.

So, while my daughter read a book and my son watched some tv, Mrs. McNoogin toiled away in the kitchen.

First she opened a can of beans that looked like pasta, poured them in a bowl and put them out in front of my son so he could snack on them. My daughter walked into the room just as my wife was doing this and she came skipping over, hoping to grab a few bites as well.

Both kids reached into the bowl, grabbed one of these long pasta looking things, put it in their respective mouths, took bites and spit it out.

"ugh, that's not pasta"

from both of them.

Next, my wife announced to the room "dinner is ready, wash up and sit down."

So, cart the kids off to the bathroom, they wash up and get ready for dinner. My daughter looks up at me and asks "what do we do when it tastes gross?"

I tell her it won't. I tell her mommy probably made something they love.

So, we sit down, the three of us. Apprehensive smiles on our faces.

And out she comes, holding what appears to be a quiche.

A quiche?

She didn't make dinner. She heated it.

The kids looked at the quiche on the table, looked at me, looked at my wife and looked back at the quiche with a bit of fear on their faces and my daughter says "I'll have soup."

My son then said "I want chicken thunders." (chicken tenders)

I tell them to try the quiche.

They look at me like I'm nuts. I then take a slice of the quiche and put it on my plate. I start eating the top portion, trying to avoid getting any of the crust in my mouth as I cannot eat that and I don't want my kids to see me spit out the crust.

My kids laugh at me and both get up from the table. They ask to be called back when their dinner is ready. I tell them to sit their asses back down and try the quiche.

My son says no, my daughter says fine. As soon as her soup is ready, she says, she will try the quiche.

So we sit and talk about the party, the baking and whatnot until the soup comes out.

My daughter eats the soup.

My son says it lookes like poop.

My wife comes out with another bowl of beans. Butter beans this time.

Shunned again.


I explain to my wife that the only way to get the kids to eat beans is by mixing them with something else, like rice.

"I'm not making rice"

I'm not asking you to, I tell her.

My son asks where his chicken is.

My wife says "shit, I forgot to plug the toaster oven in."

My daughter has her bowl of soup. My son, eventually, has his chicken thunders and the kids are excused from the table.

I tell the kids they have a few minutes before bed time and I ask them to behave as I am running out to grab some soda for myself.

When I return from the store I almost pass out. The smell of gas overwhelms me. I actually get my first whiff of it when I am outside the apartment, in the hallway.

I walk in, walk straight into the kitchen, open the window and look at the stove. The front left burner is on, no flame burning. Gas has been pumping into the apartment for some period of time.

I ask my wife if she smelled the gas and she said she thought it smelled a bit but it always smells a bit in our kitchen. This is true, there is, at times, a very faint gas odor.

Apparently she heated up some corn and some soup and in the process of moving pots around she accidentally turned one burner back.

I asked her when she made corn. She said she heated it up for our daughter but it didn't look or taste right so she didn't serve it.

So, my wife finally "cooked" a meal and almost asphyxiated the family in the process.

Here's what she cooked:
2 cans of beans. Process of cooking - open can, pour into bowls, serve.
1 can of corn. Process of cooking - open can, pour into pot, heat over low flame, serve. This resulted in disaster. The food couldn't be served (not sure why) and the gas was left on, almost killing my family.
1 can of soup. Process of cooking - open can, pour in pot, heat and serve. One child ate it, one didn't.
1 Quiche Lorraine. Process of cooking - preheat oven, unwrap and cook for 20 minutes.
Chicken Thunders. Process of cooking - preheat toaster oven, put one chicken fillet on the baking pan, slide into oven, cook for 7 minutes, flip, cook for 7 minutes and serve. One side was crunchy and browned, the other side was wet from not being flipped.


As I left the apartment this morning she said she was going to make dinner again tonight.

I'm increasing my life insurance and investing in gas masks for all.