Oddities in the Home

Ok, so, as I mentioned, the family is out of town. They left on Wednesday. I came home that night, picked up the mail and the monthly box from Tassimo (coffee pod things). I put the mail on the dining room table, the box on the coffee table by the entrance. Had my fun with the twins and left for work yesterday morning with the box still on the table. Also, it should be noted, I made the bed but I left the 49 decorative pillows in a pile next to my wife's closet. I don't understand the need to have all these pillows and, to be honest, I have a fear that, on my death bed, I'll have a moment of clarity where I realize I wasted 3.8 years taking those fucking pillows off the bed and putting them back on.

So, anyway, I left for work with the coffee on the coffee table (how apropos) and the pillows stacked up next to my wife's closet.

I left work a little after nine last night. One of my college roommates was in town so I was going to stop by my apartment, drop my shit off and head to the bar where he was waiting for me, with another friend of ours.

I open my apartment door, toss my jacket on the chair, my bag on the floor next to it and then the mail on the pile on the ....where's my mail?

Odd. I don't remember moving it to the kitchen counter.


I turn around, head towards my bedroom and I look down at the coffee table. Something isn't right.

Where the fuck is my gigantic box of coffee?

To say I was confused would be an understatement.

I walked over to the fish tank. Clean as a whistle. Are whistles clean? You blow spit and stink breath through them. I'd say they're actually pretty fucking filthy but, I digress.

The tank cleaners were here. Did they steal my coffee? As I'm walking back towards the hallway leading to my bedroom, I see the box. It is placed, neatly, at the bottom of a bunch of other boxes, to the side of the entrance. Did Kiwi (my tank cleaner) straighten up my living room? I know she, and her husband, are meticulous and neat as hell in and around the fish tank but this box was nowhere near the tank. Could she have been bothered by my placement of the box? Could it have been so annoying to her that she felt compelled to stow it neatly in the corner?

Oh well, no time to consider that. I was late.

I walk out the door, head downstairs and walk the block to the bar. The night was fun. Drank a bit too much and spent a few hours catching up with the friend. Good stuff.

Asked the twins if they wanted to party, they did so, home I went.

I stumbled into my apartment with the twins and made a beeline towards the bedroom. On the way, I explained to them how the coffee and the mail moved and nobody had been in my apartment and I told them I might have a cleaning ghost. They told me I was crazy and they started removing my clothes.

We collapsed onto the bed and as we started getting into it, I realized something was wrong.

The pillows were all back on the bed.

I sat up, startled.

What the fuck?

This was like the kitchen chairs in Poltergeist (for the young'uns - a classic haunted house movie from the past). I move em, they move back.

Now I'm fully convinced I have a ghost that likes a tidy home.

When I left this morning, the pillows were piled up next to the closet. Yesterday's mail was on the kitchen table and the coffee was where the ghost left it. We'll see what happens tonight.

As for the twins, I'm sensing a problem with them. I think that they might be getting too into all this fun. I was extremely clear about this being a temporary thing, only possible while my wife was out of town but, the one that likes to be to my left asked me last night, in the middle of it all, to remove my wedding band. Something about it making them uncomfortable, physically and emotionally.

I might have to end this before it gets too far out of control.