Bottle Cap Let Down

I was wandering downtown with my kids yesterday and we came across Economy Candy Store. This place is candy heaven. They've got every candy you could ever imagine, including those frighteningly fucked up ones, like the giant black gummy rat, candy cigarettes, candy liquor bottles etc.

We slowly made our way through the aisles, scoping out all the tasty sweets, then we grabbed a basket and did a second run through the store, grabbing all the candy we wanted to buy. We hit the wonka section with a vengeance. Gobstoppers and the coveted box of bottle caps. Fuck yes. I bought 3 boxes of the caps, explaining to my kids that cola and rootbeer flavored bottle caps are as good a food as you will ever eat. I detailed how they dissolve on your tongue, how they melt away, dispersing that sweet soda flavor over your palette.

My kids were intrigued.

I was excited.

We headed to my parents' place to watch the Jets game and, upon entering the loft, my kids started asking for candy.

We all popped a watermelon Zotz. My son spit his out seconds after the first fizzy hit his tongue. My daughter and I sat there, face to face, giggling as the foamy fuzz bubbled out of the razor sharp hole in the zotz.

Then we had a contest to see who could make the loudest crackle sound with pop rocks.

We tried the sprees, sweet tarts, sky bars, now and laters and then my son asked for the root beer flavored bottle caps.

So we opened the first box. I poured the contents into a bowl. I started sifting thru the bowl. My son grabbed a cherry flavored cap, my daughter went with grape. They liked it but they weren't impressed.

Hang on, there has to be at least one brown cap in the box.

No, actually, there doesn't.

So I opened the second box.

Nothing. Not a single brown fucking cap. No cola, no root beer.

Box 3? Same shit. Orange, grape, cherry. I like those flavors. I do but they aren't cola and they aren't root beer.

Fucking shafted by Wonka.

Candyman, meet Floogin McNoogin, pissed off sugar junkie.

I just sent a lengthy diatribe to the Nestle, parent company of Wonka. I informed them of their cap issues. I explained the heartbreak my children suffered. The anguish I suffered when I came across as a lying sack of shit. I detailed the tears when I explained that the store was closed and I couldn't go buy more boxes to find the coveted root beer bottle caps.

Since when did the soda flavored caps become as elusive as the McRib?

I plan on emailing Nestle every day until they respond to my complaints.

I will call them and let my kids cry into the phone.

I will get compensated for those lost caps.