Vaseline Head

So we went to the doctor for a follow up lice check. We did this for peace of mind. Instead, we got added insanity. The doctor looks in my son's hair and sees nothing. She looks in my daughter's hair and says she has nits. She looks in my hair, says I have nits. She looks in my wife's hair and, yes, Virginia, there are nits.

The doctor writes a scrip for some toxic shampoo and tells us to comb out each head prior to doing the shampoo treatment. We ask what works best for combing out and the doctor says olive oil is very good but vaseline is the best because it basically suffocates the lice and they cannot free themselves from the gooey mess.

So, off we went. We hit the drug store, picked up the treatment, picked up a few extra combs and snagged some vaseline.

We got home and started prepping ourselves for the comb out. I used handfuls of vaseline in my hair. Matted it down, massaged it into my scalp, added more, added more, added more.

My daughter opted for a mix of vaseline and oil. She did this because the vaseline massage was hurting her scalp whereas the oil was not.

We left the goo on our heads for an hour. We all wore shower caps, me in a nice, hot pink.

During this time we cleaned. We vacuumed, we packed things up for the laundry, we sealed up bags of hats and scarves and we stripped beds, pillows blankets etc.

Then we began the comb out. I went first. I lost a ton of hair in the process. It was horrific. Then, while I showered, my daughter was combed out.

Vaseline does not wash out of your hair. Water beads up on it. Shampoo is useless. I needed something stronger. I had my wife grab the dish washing detergent as it works well in getting the grease out of the pan, or so they claim.

It didn't work.

After a half bottle of lemon scented dish washing liquid I gave up. I got dressed and ready for dinner. My wife and I were taking my parents to Minetta Tavern for their anniversary. This was a huge reservation. The place is booked for months but, thanks to some issues they had with a midweek reservation we had, they rebooked us twice, resulting in their offering up a prime, 8 PM table on a prime, Saturday, night. We couldn't cancel so I had to go out with this head of goop.

I looked like a reject from the Jersey Shore tryouts. Every time I passed a smoker, I panicked, fearing a stray spark would land in my hair, igniting my greasy coif.

My parents asked me why my hair was so wet. I explained the situation. They laughed.

Dinner was amazing. Best burger I've ever had. Then we went home.

I woke up at 8 the next morning and hit Home Depot. I explained to the sales help that I needed something that would remove grease or oil and, yet, still be gentle enough that it won't make my hair fall out. They asked why. I told them my son put vaseline in my hair. (can't run around telling people I've got lice).

They suggested Dawn. The bottle says ultra concentrated and there's a picture of a baby seal on the bottle. Why a baby seal? Well, apparently, Dawn is the soap of choice when animals get stuck in an oil spill.

If it's good enough for a baby seal, it's good enough for me.

I raced home, ran into the shower and started pouring this shit on my head.

I scrubbed. I lathered. I let it sit. I rinsed.

My hair clumped up, water beaded up on the helmet of goop and nothing came out.

I spent an hour and a half shampooing my hair. I finally managed to get it clean enough that I can touch it without coming away with vaseline fingers.

We get dressed and head to Brooklyn where the lice expert will check us and comb us out properly.

We arrive and she looks at my daughter's greasy hair and says she can't look for anything, she can only comb her out as the vaseline is still too think in her hair.

She looks in my hair. Nothing.

She looks in my wife's hair. Nothing.

She looks in my son's hair. Nothing.

Nothing came out of my daughter's hair.

Nothing.

She then tells us that most doctors see protein buildup on the hair shaft and think it is a nit.

She pulls a hair from my wife's head. Shows her the protein deposit and explains the difference.

We slink out of there, feeling like morons for going completely batshit about the lice the night before.

This was last weekend. Sunday to be exact.

Last night, I'm sitting on the couch, watching tv with my wife, and I stand up to get something from the kitchen and my wife asks me if I still have vaseline issues. I tell her that I think I might but it definitely feels like I got most of it out. She suggests I take a peek in the mirror.

I do.

My hair is dark and greasy again. The back of my hair is matted and clumped and sticking straight out.

There's nothing I can do. I'm vaseline head.

New Year's Day I am going to stop smoking (again) and I am going to shave my head. It's all I can do.

A fresh start to a new year, via a chrome dome.