Tech Woes and The Grammys

So I spent the day Saturday at the office. Normally, this wouldn't be something I'd do this early in the season of hell but our server was in need of an upgrade and the timing was such that it couldn't wait any longer so I made the arrangements and I came in at 10 am. Got in at 9:30, the boy was going to come and changed his mind. No sooner did I walk thru the door than the phone rings, he wants to come to work with me. So I am going to head back uptown as soon as the tech crew arrives.

The show up, get started and off I go. I wind up stuck on the subway for 20 minutes, finally get there, grab the boy and he's hungary. So I get him food and he wants some toys to play with so I get him toys. Head back to the office and the geek squad rejects are whining about how slow this is going and they'll be here late and blah blah blah I don't give a fuck, I'm paying for this shit.

So, at 5 they tell me to go home, they'll be here for a while, it will all be up and running by Monday morning. I get the email Sunday, declaring a success. Everything is in order and I'm good to go.

Um, no.

I get to work this morning and I have a new email telling me the server upgrade should result in blazing fast business software.

Sure.

If it worked.

If anything worked.

I can't access the tax programs. Well, I can but it takes forever. My secretary can't even get her pc to load up and my bookkeeper? She's got her old pc which is on the verge of collapse but it works perfectly.


So I am without the ability to work for most of the day. On the bright side, plenty of time to fuck around and do nothing.

Which leads me, somehow, to the grammys. I watched them last night and here's what I think. I think they have made the show far more enjoyable for the public by removing the awards that are accepted by the people who write the music and produce the music, instead, giving the spotlight up, entirely, to the performers. This would be great if the performers were worth watching. Whitney Houston? She's clearly still smoking crack.

I don't understand the whole rap thing so I can't understand how lil wayne can run around with his underwear hanging out of hi pants. I don't understand how musicians, in general, get laid. These ugly guys are all scoring some very hot women and it is based solely on their music. It can't be on their looks. Robert Plant is frightening looking. Sure, back in the day he had the swagger and he was a huge star but he looks like some outcast from a casting call for a freak show. And Justin Timberlake? I figured him out. He's the Derek Jeter of musicians. An overrated performer that looks ok, has girls screaming for him and an ego the size of the stadiums he performs in.

Ok, Jeter's far uglier than him but you get my point.

And the MusiCares award winner was Neil Diamond. Neil Fucking Diamond. Seriously. For those of you that don't know this, MusiCares is a charity award given to one musician each year for their charity work. The night before the grammys, musicians gather to honor the winner by singing their songs and then the winner gets up there and performs. I went to the 2000 Grammys. I went to the Musicares award dinner the night before. The honoree? Elton John. That's right. It was insane. I think I took some ecstacy. I was sitting next to Hefner's table. Chatting with Hef's girls, knowing that was the closest I'd ever get to the grotto. I smoked butts outside with Brad Pitt (we didn't talk but I did mention that he lived in my building for a while, he didn't care). I listened to Elton John songs sung by all the best musicians around. It was insane. A few years later I went to the Grammys here in NYC. I went to the Musicares awards show the night before too. They honored Bono. Now, I am not the biggest Bono fan. I like old U2. I find Bono to be a big of an arrogant ass but his bandmates sure can write a song or two. Tony Bennet gave us his table as he was leaving early. I wound up sitting between Bill Clinton and Bono as BB King Performed. BB King, at one point, told me to stop kicking his chair. The show was insane, the performances were awesome.

So, this year, a bunch of losers paid to see other people sing Neil Diamond. That's sad. Sure, Sweet Caroline is catchy and we all shed a tear over his ET song that never made it into the movie and we all dig the Jazz Singer but, wait, nobody likes any of that shit. It's crap. So, they honor him Saturday night and then he comes out on Sunday, at the Grammys and I'm thinking this guy's a mess. If Dick Clark (today's Dick Clark) and Austin Powers jerked off in a cup, blended the goo and artificially inseminated Whitney Houston (because seriously, would anyone be so bold as to stick their dick where Bobby Brown's has been?), Neil Diamond would be the offspring. All slurring, cheesy lounge lizard freak fest.

The show itself sucked. Sure, there was some good in it. Blink 182 is back, Kid Rock is fucking awesome, that fat chick with the crush on the Jonas Brothers was great, the country music shit? No thanks. Keith Urban was everywhere. Why? Because by inviting him you get Nicole Kidman and I'd listen to country music if it means I get to look at Nicole Kidman. Miley Cyrus? Sure she's cute but she's typical trailer trash. She'll be fat by 21. Really fat. Let's see how big a star she is then.

M.I.A. all pregnant and gangsta was awesome. The other four dudes? Couldn't understand what the hell they were saying. Paper Planes was ruined as a result.

The Bo Didley medley was great, having to listen to actors introduce musicians as their friends was ridiculous. It goes back to the musician appeal. Samuel L. Jackson is one of the coolest dudes around. He sounded like he was ready to fondle balls when he was introducing Timberlake.

I wonder if he gets that way at Yankee games too.

And one last thing.

A Rod juiced. Everyone thought it. Now we know it. Now the Yankee fans have an excuse for his ridiculous behavior and his inability to get the clutch hits. Steroids don't make the bat bigger.