Floogin Can't Win

So my mother outlaw had back surgery yesterday. She's been gearing up for this surgery for a long, long time now and she finally had the surgery. So my wife goes to the hospital at 8:30 to be with her mom and I take my daughter to school and head to work. I'm very busy with work, clients coming to see me and a few other meetings and, before I know it, I'm running late for my haircut. I sprint uptown and get my locks shorn. I head home and tell the kids we need to call grandma. The sitter tells me Mrs. McNoogin called and the surgery started late and she should be moving to post-op within the hour. She called around 5:30 and it was now 6:30.

I sit with my daughter while she does her homework. Then the kids want some more food. Then I call my wife. She tells me the doctor just came out to see them. She updates me on the surgery and the status of her mother. Still living. Oh well.

I talk to my wife a bit more, then I call back my outlaw's friends who have been calling me for updates. Then I call my wife again to let her know I've called all the old hags who have been trying to reach her. She thanks me, tells me she shouldn't be home too late and says goodbye.

I watch some tv and go to bed. Around 11:30 my wife comes home, hangs up her coat, grabs a quick bite and then comes into the bedroom. As she's undressing she tells me how upset she is that I didn't call all day. I apologize and tell her that I was very busy and I figured she'd be unreachable as you aren't supposed to use cell phones in hospitals and, as a result of this, I figured she'd update me when she could. She raises her voice, tells me this is not a good excuse. I explain that it isn't an excuse, it's the truth. Again I apologize. Again she turns it into me being a dick. Again I apologize and explain that I have been very busy. She laughs and says there's always time to call. I explain that she never calls when she is going to be late, even though I tell her it would be nice to know so that I can tell the kids not to wait up. She says it's different and then she says I should just say I'm sorry. Again I apologize. She tells me if I would stop bringing it up we wouldn't be fighting about it. I realize my wife was drugged in the hospital and she is now acting like a fucking moron as a result of the narcotics.

I ask her how her mother is doing and she mumbles something about my brother in law calling all day long. I tell her he's a better person than I will ever be and that she can always go seek out a replacement.

I go to sleep.


This morning, all is back to abnormal in our home. Throughout a shitty night of no sleep I come to the realization that my mother in law has managed to drive my wife even closer to the edge of sanity. She probably awoke from the surgery and started in on my wife. "You wore that to the hospital?" "Your hair color is terrible." You get my drift.

I shower, I shave and I tap my wife on the ass to wake her and she bolts upright and asks, angrily, why'd you hit me? I explain that I barely touched her and she needs to get in the shower. She showers while I get dressed. She comes out of the shower as I am midway thru tying my tie. Odd because I never wear ties. We're supposed to meet with my son's teachers this morning and I guess I felt like I should look nice. Anyway, she comes out of the shower and starts telling me something. I say "yeah?' as I continue tying my tie.

She says "can't you even look at me when I'm talking to you?"

I tell her she started talking while I was in the middle of tying my tie and I stop with the tie and I turn to face her. I tell her she has my undivided attention.

She starts telling me something and she turns and starts putting lotion on her legs while she's talking.

I walk out of the bedroom and go to the kids' bathroom to tie my tie. She comes in and says "I was still talking!"
I tell her that she shouldn't tell me to look at her when she's talking if she's not going to look at me when she's talking.
(bad move on my part).

Well, I took a break to meet with some folks and now the piss and vinegar is gone. No matter, I'm sure I'll piss off Mrs. McNoogin tonight and have new material tomorrow.


In the meantime, click the links you lazy fucks. I need to feed the little McNoogins.